TOUR DE COUCH

That's so Couch: The Chloe's,the Trailer-House of Hooch & the fracking TDU

2012-01-31T23:12:00.008+11:00

The Chloe Hosking Award (The Chloe's ™ ) for being a real Pat

1. All the folks won over by the "bugger all" phrase by CA's President. Does anyone read to the end of articles any more? Sure, CA gave her an un-fine/fine, that's pretty cool,but at the end of the piece, he says the same thing as Pat.

2.'Ol One Ball talking about Pat and Hein's shitty little lawsuit against anti doping crusader, Paul Kimmage.

But this week's Chloe™ goes to ARD Sportschau. Challenging Bernstein and..I always forget the other one...for best investigative journalism ever, it linked sportspeople such as Marcel Kittel to a Doktor who did stuff to 50mls of blood using special performance enhancing rays from the sun and injecting the special performance enhancing rays back into the naive ill dumb 18 year old cyclist, in 2008. ARD didn't really bother to mention some of the facts, leaving it to 1t4i - who ARD also didn't bother to approach - to stand up for Marcel. If journalists, bloggers, pitchfork wiedling tifosi etc want to see the consequences of thirsting too much for the skinny, read the facts, which nobody can deny, see Marcel Kittel's twitter timeline, the article from Cycling News he links there and think of how he must be feeling.

Fracking Tour Down Under

Saw a lot on the Twitters about how uninspiring the TDU is/was. "These People" probably pay to watch the Belgian beer brewing process, from field to monkery while eating la tarte aux panache and wearing authentic replica $200 baby poo coloured woolen jerseys, and cycling caps advertising a pen company. Sure, it could be better and there's suggestions all over the place how that could happen, but These People ™ didn't even notice Will Clarke's break away panache. And These People ™ are all about the panache.

Nor did they see the exciting racing and sprint finishes or the riders and the crowds loving the TDU's guts out. What does the TDU have to do for These People ™ ? Pay a few million bob to a 7 time Tour de France winner to race it? Um... Hang on. Only one thing for it - get Tommy Voeckler down here, stat. These People ™ think he's fully sick. Noone comes close, not Cadel on Stage 18 and 19 of the TDF last year, not even Jens. Even when Tommy sucks the wheel of the man in front of him on a crepe parcours with a French or Belgian industrial estate as the back drop, they whimper, La petite mort.

Who could forget about the Vanity Van of Food Consumption at last year's TDF, AKA O'Grady's Autobus of Booze. A re-name is fitting for the new year and the new team, and a new boozy incident: Stuey's (Jayco) Trailer-House of Hooch

If you live under a rock you may not have heard about the assault allegations made against Stuey by a car driver taking him home to Green Edge plankets just before the TDU. Stuart said the allegations were ridiculous and while it got some oxygen on a dodgy "current affairs" show in Australia, it fortunately went nowhere.

Jane Aubrey from Cycling News told us at the time about the driver:

The guy accusing Stuart O'Grady of assault played Fat Cat for many years. He says this gives him credibility...
— Jane Aubrey (@janeaubrey) January 16, 2012

For non Australians, this is Fat Cat:

Stuey tweeted this the other day:

@ozcycling Dan. I searched the bottle shop with my dad for ages searching for the golden drop that turned me from fatcat to tiger! No go...

— STUART O'GRADY (@StueyOG) January 28, 2012

So it's not hard to believe Stuey didn't deny being "happy". Stuey said he was guilty of no more than a singalong.

Probably singing the Green Edge team song no doubt:

Sean Yates got all pissy at Green Edge winning the race, you know because if it wasn't for Flecha, their first year would've looked...potentially how the rest of Green Edge's season may look. White took the bait. Sometimes That's So correspondent, Natalie (@brassyn) put it best "I fail to see how Sean Yates saying greenedge have january chubs means anything in relation to the olympics. redundant pissing contests"

Cities around America still having trouble with cleaning up those pesky Occupy protestors, you need help from these guys from the TDU:

This is just one of the things they're probably protesting and concerned about. Do a Google search for Coal Seam Gas and Santos and you'll find plenty of things people are pissed off about and why. In a quest to be fair, here's the fracker's view of fracking.

Disappointing though not many questions about the fracking issue seemed to surface from any corner (other than protestors) at or around this event. Sure, you say, there's a time and a place. Yep, that time and a place is at sporting events. Sport and politics rub shoulders all the time, pissed as farts in the VIP tents and ending up in bed together, so why not use it to raise real issues?

When famous cricketers and cycling mix - for good

They're doing the Paris-Roubaix route along the way!!

Green Edge with Ham

2011-12-14T08:02:00.000+11:00

For starters “Gomes”, Molly Meldrum not relevant to cycling? What about this ad?

(geez, even these cyclists left Melbourne)

Most Aussies my age and a bit older can also remember (or can remember seeing footage since) Molly presenting his music show Countdown drunk one night. There's a youtube vid but it goes for nine minutes and who has the time?

Instead, if Molly was going to write an opinion piece in that state in response to Phil Gomes' post about the farce that is Green Edge's engagement with Australian cycling fans, it would be this.

While Phil Gomes ruminated on his blog post, a few tweeps and I also discussed this issue. We therefore echo Phil's sentiments. Rob's not just having a go at Phil, but the many fans who agreed with him and said so on Twitter and in the comments section.

It is hard to accept a lecture about “criticising something one doesn't fully understand” (tdc - sounds a bit like "you don't know man, you haven't seen war") from someone when you can't actually fully understand what they are trying to say.

It is also hard to accept it from someone who reviews his own book in his own magazine.

Although hard to decipher, I think one thing Rob is trying to say is, GE couldn't do anything with fans in Canberra because of contractual issues with bikes and such (tdc– like Trent Lowe and Vaughters fiasco – google it).

No Rob, it's not hard for us to understand. Some of us “fans” who don't have a clue thought of this ourselves a week or two ago and discussed on twitter how it's easy to get around.

Maybe it's not GE's reason then. Maybe Canberra hasn't much of a cycling scene to bother with?

I regularly visit Canberra and each time I do, there's barely a day or weekend where you don't see a large number of local cyclists out and about. Or on a Sunday on the drive back to Sydney, you don't pass a car on the freeway with a bike attached.

And in Canberra, there are some capable cycling clubs with volunteers who could probably scrounge 30 generic polos shirts from Lowes and organise a clinic or a meet and greet with a school or a club somewhere sans Scott bikes. Or how about even the same night Robbie was touting his book at Velo Republic? As a Sydney sider who can't get to the TDU, that's something I would've driven to Canberra for. I don't expect to ride with the team, I just want to “see them” and be part of an exciting moment in Australian cycling history.

Whatever the reasoning for the exclusion of Canberra fans, such is the norm – we're used to it. I got over it. But it is impossible to fathom why the Melbourne launch was not advertised at all. The Green Edge launch is history, it is an exciting moment. But forever the photos of this historic cycling moment will show hardly a cycling fan was there to witness it.

Perhaps Green Edge is courting fans beyond the current cycling fan base as a thank you for their tax dollars. After all, taxpayers help pay for the AIS cycling program, the GE thingy in Italy, the Cycling Australia High Performance program and any non Cycling Australia membership/Grass Roots/Jayco generated dollar.

Tax payers such as Rob, other journalists, the Melbourne football press and public, Mark Arbib, Andrew Barr and corporate types.

I do understand though Rob. It's impossible to sell to corporates a “Christmas Party with GE/Breakfast Corporate Bike Ride with GE” opportunity when the great unwashed have already touched them.

As Rob explains, it was only a dinner for the GE family – an exclusive club. But as fans, we don't want to be a part of the GE club. We are the GE club. Or as Rob Arnold put it, the GE family – but we weren't invited to even eat the scraps off the table.

Cycling fans too are taxpayers. More than this, we are the ones who watch the coverage which begat more coverage which begat more cyclists which begat more coverage which begat more cycling sponsorship which begat more cyclists which begat more coverage. We are the ones who buy the cycling products, the cycling magazines, and the jerseys. We are the ones who'll keep on turning up even after another UCI and/or doping disappointment.

I understand potential sponsors and corporate supporters must be greased and politicians thanked. But it's disappointing to hear such language - fans aren't part of the larger GE family.

Like Ride thinks with its arrogant waffly prose and awesome cycling pictures (most of which we've seen on the internet already anyway) it's the best magazine in Australia and is always going to be, GE arrogantly expects the Oz tifosi to jump on board the Subaru with Mars Bars in hand with little effort to engage them.

Even before the internet, the cycling tifosi in Australia thought global – it had to. Whether it was months old magazines digested by wannabe cyclists or tapes sent over from Europe, they'd source it somehow. Now we are all closer, many of us look beyond Ride and Cycling Central (tdc - many of us instead of) for expert opinions and cycling entertainment. Celtic podcasters, magazines containing writing and photos so good it hurts,and many bloggers who don't have the same access as journalists but analyse the state of play better than their paid counterparts.

I've actually given up my subscription to Ride for this reason, I can't afford to invest what I can get better elsewhere,for less. The jig test, the “bike products” catalogue, the oz centric-ness and the stories they don't write about female cyclists are the only things that set Ride apart.

Oz cycling fans also look beyond their own cycling team and their own Australian riders. It's what cycling fans do. Especially if they're treated like shit.

Sure, the TDU will bring a big GE song and dance and much fan engagement. But it won't be with the whole team. Phil was also criticised by Rob and others for being too negative at what should be an exciting time. Of course it is bloody exciting. That's what sucks! All 30 rostered riders of Australia's first pro team in Oz all together (probably the last time). It is bloodly exciting and it is a moment that has now passed.

And we couldn't be a part of it.

If the Bike and Lifestyle Show was anything to go by, there's a few people in the Brave New Oz Cycling Bubble failing to understand the target market they are so desperately trying to earn their cycling buck back from. They are attempting to brew new decaffeinated Nestle pod coffee through old moka pots and serve up Green Edge with Ham.

A recent Anthony Tan piece told us GE has two years to find a sponsor or Gerry calls Jayco caravan curtains. With so many cycling issues detracting so many potential sponsors, I'm not sure turning up cap in hand to some of them with hardly any fans is the right strategy.

Cycling's heroics* - #1 - Kayla Beaconsfield's effort

2011-11-18T22:56:00.002+11:00

More than seven thousand cyclists joined the likes of Simon Gerrans, Matt Keenan and Kayla Beaconsfield, taking over Melbourne's EastLink in the Ride for Home. The charity ride raised $300,000 for Hanover, a welfare charity who help out many Victorians experiencing homelessness.

I caught up with Kayla (daughter of tweep Mark Beaconsfield), 11, yesterday to find out how she went on the 15km ride with her family.

I'm guessing you’ve never ridden that far before all at once? How did it feel?

I have ridden 20km before, but it was different because we stopped at some parks. But there were more hills on our 20km rides. If you count the ride to and from the station on Sunday, we did almost 30km.

And how was it “taking over” the EastLink? Did you guys see Gerro or anyone else?

It was fun. The road was wide and smooth and there were no cars to worry about. We didn't get to see anyone, they were doing the longer rides.

Your dad know what your average speed was?

No, we didn't take any notice, because we were having so much fun. Dad said we went 50km an hour down the hills in the tunnels.

Was there a point out there on the ride you thought, this is too hard, I want to quit? If so, what got you through?

On some of the uphills it was hard. Dad helped by giving me a little push. But that was near the end and I knew there was not far to go.

You reckon you’ll join your dad for really long rides one day?

I do some rides with dad. When I get better at riding we will go further.

I hear you ride to school/from school – was that good training for last weekend’s ride? How far is that ride?

Dad brings my bike to school and we ride home together. It is 1 and a half km. I sometimes go out after school and ride around the block, so that helped with the ride.

If you could improve your ride to school – e.g. better safety – do you have any ideas?

Dad has been teaching me how to ride safely on the road with cars. When we get to the main road, we go on the footpath and cross using the pedestrian crossing.

You follow pro cycling? If so, who are your favourite riders? And do you have favourite races to watch?

I watch it sometimes on TV and have been to a race with dad (Jayco Bay Classic) I like Cadel Evans and Jens Voigt because he says "Shut up legs!" I like to watch the ladies races too. At the race I went to, I got to meet the winner, Rochelle Gilmore, and the rest of the team Honda girls. They took photos with me and gave me a team hat.

Can you remember when you first rode a bike? What do you remember?

I only started riding about 2 years ago. Dad helped and when I got going I thought "This is fun"

Tell us about your current bike (if it’s not your first one, what was your first bike?)

It is a pink bmx, I used to have a smaller blue Bratz bmx, but then I got too big for it.

If you ever became a pro rider, do you reckon you’d still ride to the shops?

Mum and Dad don't drive, so when we go to the shops, we always walk, ride or catch a bus. I would love to ride in races when I'm older.

If you could ride anywhere in the whole world right now where would you ride?

I never thought about it. Maybe somewhere with lots of hills to go down.

Tell us what’s the best thing about riding – why do you like it?

It's fun and we get to see lots of places you cant see from a car.

My stepdaughter is 8 and she sometimes likes long rides (she’s ridden 12kms before, over a couple of hours), but mostly doesn’t – what would you say to kids AND ADULTS who

a) Don’t ride

Give it a try, it's fun and it's good for you.

b) Don’t ride, they really really want to start but are afraid (especially if it’s to school)

Go to a park or somewhere where there is a bike path away from cars and practice. Thats what I did. Don't go on the roads if you are nervous or scared.

c) Do ride, but don’t want to ride very far

Do short rides, as you get better, you will start to go further and further.

Kayla's Dad - @markbeaky

Takin' it to the peleton

Tunnel!!!


Time enough for a salute

Finished!!

*This is inspired by a quote from Bill Strickland "I'm done with cycling heroes,not cycling's heroics"
** I also think it's pretty heroic to teach your kids to ride

Life Cycle

2011-11-15T16:21:00.001+11:00

Anything could go wrong.
Today, it's a cleat that needs fixing.
Takes more than a tweak,
Eats into the hour I had
this week
to climb up the back of a razor.
But on I battle with winter,
with time,
this machine,
and obligation.
To him and her now I dash.
Put off the cycle.
This should be easy.

Know your bike parts-where you put the weed,dick scrambler

2011-10-24T16:03:00.002+11:00

Saw this on Gizmodo, link here

If you can't zoom in on the pic, go here instead

Cinelli 2012 Catalogue - art

2011-10-09T02:49:00.003+11:00

Cant believe I only just stumbled on this. The front cover of the Cinelli 2012 catalogue by Ryan Heshka. Read more here and see the catalogue here.

You Betcha

2011-10-07T02:19:00.001+11:00

Rugby League player Ryan Tandy was convicted today of trying to fix a match in 2010. NSW Police are also investigating a much larger alleged rugby league betting scandal.

Hot on the heels of this case comes news of Wayne Rooney's father's arrest for something similar.

In the crowd of a globalised racing calendar and as 'grand' races start to lose prestige,is this another form of pro cycling scandal waiting to happen? Maybe there won't be enough money in it?

Sydney Bicycle Film Festival-freedom to express

2011-10-04T14:42:00.001+11:00

'I don't think anybody really finds themselves until they're able to find their own voice'

Sydney Bicycle Film Festival 2011 from Skeleton Key on Vimeo.

Australian Teams for the Road World Championships 2011 - Your Picks?

2011-09-09T15:54:00.001+10:00

Barbie's sure to make the list! (photo: brassyn)

Tourdecouch asked NatashaMitchell* - Level 1 Road and Track Coach in Victoria, Australia to look at theAustralian team long lists for the Road World Championship and tellus her picks (and some of the reasoning and her tips).

(*9 spots for mens RR, 6 for womens RR,5 for u23s. 2 each for Time Trial)

Mens Elite Road (9 spots)

Goss

Haussler

Sutton

Matthews

Gerrans

O'Grady

Hansen

Howard

Renshaw (she ummed and aahed re:Renshaw)

Womens Elite Road (6 spots)

Gillow

Cromwell

Hosking

Hoskins

Ryan

Corset

u23 Mens Road (5 spots)

Durbridge

Lang

Palmer

Dennis

She couldn't call the last one, but said it would be between McCarthy,Aitken, Lewis

Mens Time Trial

Porte

Bobridge

Womens Time Trial

Gillow

Heather

u23 Time Trial

Durbridge

Howson

Natasha'sother thoughts:

Ithink Chloe Hosking is the only Oz woman with a chance for the win inthe RR, but she's not as strong as say a Vos or Pooley on the uphill finishes. She's beenriding really strongly the last week but I can't see her beating Vos.

Howardand Hansen may get a run due to their having decent legs from VueltaHoward will be support though I imagine.

Lastpick for the Mens RR may be Porte or Renshaw but course suits neither really. If Porte'salready doing TT, maybe Rensaw is a smarter pick and he's anexcellent team rider. In terms of the win,any of my first 5 picks. ACTshould be happy with 7 riders in that long list!

Who do you think will make the teams?

*Melbourne's Natasha Mitchell is a Level 1 Road and Track Coach and Level 1 AustCycle Teacher. Natasha has been coaching for 5 years and was recently Assistant Coach for the Victoria Junior Road Team and is a member of the the Victorian Development and Coaching Commission. Follow her on twitter.

That's so couch - tennis, a David Lynch film and cycling

2011-09-08T17:51:00.003+10:00

Who's not bangable in pro cycling

You've probably heard about this website by now.

What The Hottitude? If male pro cycling was reported andtalked about as much as women's cycling, then this website would beup there with this awful feature published by Bicycling Magazine. (the fact there'sonly five,shows you just how across the world of women's cyclingBicycling Magazine is)

Not to be outdone, Tourdecouch hasthought about who you wouldn't want to have sex with in men's procycling (and women's pro cycling if they ever get around toannouncing).

There's only one winner. The socialmedia manager for greenedge. (yes, I'm not using any caps in their name).

Imagineit. 'In moments, I'm going to announce when I'm about to come.'

You'd be having breakfast or out to dinner: 'Later today/tonight, youknow I'm going to be announcing when I'm going to announce I'm goingto come.”

Or how about when announcements are made about anannouncement and then it doesnt happen. - premature edge-actulation.Or, it happens a week later? Or this - 'no, that orgasm that youthought was happening, didn't actually happen. Yeah, I was faking'

Apparently though, Nygaard's off to greenedge to sort thisunbangableness out and he may have already as Gossy's announcementwas an announcement without a pre announcement.

Knowthe name of any good gynaecologists?

Fromunbangable to fairly bangable, it's on to the tennis world now andRafael Nadal (although there is a cycling connection).

RafaelNadal was asked “so, you know the name of any good gynaecologists?'

Nadal'sresponse:

(but it kinda looks like someone might havebeen under the table who also thought he was very bangable).

Moretennis

There'sno action at the US Open right now, so Tourdecouch brings you anothertennis match.

15-0

Leopard Trek to get some new sponsors and lose and gain a few riders.

15-15

Cycling fans everywhere will learn just how bad cancer is from the people who brought us cancerawareness, Capital Sports Entertainment. And they might pump out afew press releases about some bike racing by some guys fromLuxembourg and Switzerland. Bruyneel will win another Tour.

30 – 15

Shit no, there will be nothing American about my expensive toy cycling set. Except for a couple of sponsorsand some riders....

Then, everyone remembered these guyswere still on the court. Oh Hai. Is anyone keeping score anymore? I find this more confusing and pretentious than Mulholland Drive. What the Laydioshack(@mmmaiko copyright) is going on.

Becca serves. Ace. We don't wantanything to do with your toxic CSE marketingese. Fabianese will do usjust fine. That shit sells itself.

And another ace to win the game.

UCI then for some reason also weighedin with a press release of their own, but nobody cares.

And just so we don't forget who's BossHogg, Johan serves up this and that's where we are now in the game. Johan wanted to wait until a bit later in the month so riders looking for jobs would have even less of a chance to get one. A great guy.

Sugar Daddies

Expressing concern about this worryingtrend of sugar daddies propping up and dropping cycling (which I don't get, aren'tsponsors just another form of Sugar Daddy too?), Jane Aubrey fromCycling News asked greenedge's Papa Molasses about all theLeopardshennaningins.While he may currently lack a major sponsor, just like Beccawas, if you look at this interview along with Becca's latest thereseem to be some key differences.

Becca wanted to have Sky's secondyear in Leopard Trek's first and doesn't really understand cycling,Ryan knows greenedge won't light the world on fire in it's first and has beeninvolved with cycling for 20 years. greenedge's bus is a bit biggerthan Leopard Trek's, and greenedge isn't named after a German Tank, noris Leopard Trek..hang on...

How are some of the LT team reacting?

Andyhas made up some excuse about needing the next ten months off fordentistry work. If Cav hadn't used this one before (remember, he hadwork done in the off season and he wasn't seen until July the nextyear?), we'd buy it but something else is up. His pony ate hishomework? No, that's not it either.

It's like this brilliant post pointed out, Johan's coming for him, and he's more scared than thattime he broke away on a stage in the Tour this year and he couldn't seeFrank for a few hours. Andy's envisaging something like this –being tied to his TT bike and white lunch bags containing cans of beetroot juice thrown at him. So Andy's in hiding.

ButJohan assures us he will be gentle with Andy. Johan's concerned he still has the Boss Hogg nickname and wants to start rebranding himself. He also said that Trek will design Andy the bike he asked them to last year (but Nygaard said no).

Tom Stamsnijder reacted by making this snazzy sales pitch video to sell off the team bus:

AndAndy, Frank and Fabs get one more drive in before their cars aretaken away.

LeopardTrek – a look back at its rich and true racing history

Rememberhow it all started:

Key memories in that video:
-Kim Andersen says he wanted to create a team around Andy, Frank and the Tour - at 1min 08secs
- the heart warming hand holding and running up the hill - at 1.21
-Andy asks "where will my pink streamers go?" - at 1.48

But there are still unanswered questions:

Will we see more of this next year?

Did anyone actually buy this ?

How can Chris Horner expected to be notAmerican?

These guys would fail a plasticizer test

2011-08-31T06:59:00.002+10:00

How cool are these guys?

This one comes with a moto and camera!

I found these photos here and here where you can also see all the information about them all. It was a Tour de France promotion in 2000-01. The bike "pit stop" even comes with every rider's favourite - the banana and they use a hairbrush for the bike wash, (or heavily mulleted rider).

I wonder who out there still has a set.

The Tour in 133 Characters or less - the final winners

2011-07-26T21:41:00.000+10:00

So it comes down to this.

The top 8 are:

Winner - Stage 16 - @technowgn - Tim Kolln's the Peloton + Herbie Sykes' Maglia Rosa

2 - Stage 7 - @cycletard - Apres Velo T Shirt thanks to Apres Velo

3 - Stage 3 - @brassyn - Apres Velo T shirt thanks to Apres Velo

4 - Stage 14 - @cycletard - one year's subscription to Peloton magazine

5 - Stage 13 - @dontcallmekaty - Ultimate Cycling Boxset DVD Prize Pack - Overcoming, Hell on Wheels,

A Sunday in Hell

6 - Stage 5 - @smfifteen - choice of cap from bikesbooksbeers.ca

7 - Stage 19 - @cycleboredom - cycling recovery oils from http://www.laclinicaamano.com/

8 - Stage 10 - @sansenmag - digital subscription to Peloton

Voters winners:

1 - Deborah (entry via email) -choice of handmade cap from bikesbooksbeers.ca

2 - Edie (entry via email) - cool green, polka dot, yellow jersey themed coffee mugs from lookmumnohands.

3 - @RachelleRae - copy of Ned Boutling's How I won the Yellow Jumper

I will be in touch with you all in the next day to arrange postage etc of your prizes.

Congratulations everyone and thanks for all your entries and keeping us all entertained. Thanks also goes to the generous folks at Apres Velo (www.apresvelo.com) , Cycling Art (bikesbooksbeers.ca) and La Clinica Mano (http://www.laclinicaamano.com/)

The TDF in 133 characters or less - the finalists

2011-07-23T22:03:00.001+10:00

So the 18 finalists are now, well, final. It's time to unfortunately whittle them down to the top 8 and receive the prize matching their GC rank.

And that's the voters job. So how will voting work in the absence of a whiz bang voting form? Vote for your 8 favourites by ranking them (simply stage each Stage number) from 1-8 (1 = your most favourite etc) in the comments below using your twitter url or email me your top 8 at tourdecouch@gmail.com . So if you have mates who aren't on twitter but you know they'd love to enter this comp, tell them to get voting.

If you can't remember how the stages played out, go to this cyclingnews site for the stage reports.

UPDATED - Voters will be placed in a list and picked at random on Tuesday night (my time) - I will notify by email and/or twitter.

The final 8 winners will also be announced at this time and informed via twitter.

Here's the voting prizes again (scroll to the bottom for voters prizes) if you need reminding.

The 18 finalists:

Stage 19
That boy raced the cleft off his chin today. Amazing.   @cycleboredom

Stage 18
Leopards leaping! Bert borked. Samu sadfaced. Cadel calculated. Rolland robotic. Voeckler valiant. @brassyn

Stage 17
Tour de Carpark 2011.....where am I? @sister_ratched

Stage 16
The breakaway was stacked, Contador attacked, Andy cracked, and Basso lacked. Thor won,there was no sun, Cuddles gained on everyone @techknowgn

Stage 15
Voeckler flares the patron's wand as riders cross Carmague. A break with FDJ again is caught. Cav wins the sprint; Farrar cries argh   @butterflywriter

Stage 14
A bootylicious Vanendert to Plateau de Beille and the Tour history books: "I don't think you're ready for this Jelle" @cycletard

Stage 13
Vultures visit; Kloedi goes Boom; Rainbows resplendent after Thor thunders and storms the mountain; Roy's raw ride wrings our hearts   @dontcallmekaty

Stage 12
AC got dropped like a rock; wasnt much of a shock, one schleck looked back, the other attacked and Voeklers the fellow in yellow @techknowgn

Stage 11
Air raid sirens in Gaillac signal Manxman Mark to launch missile causing Greipel to grapple at line as Gilbert loses grip on green. @cycletard

Stage 10
Manx missile launch failure caused German gorilla to escape from zoo peloton @sansenmag

Stage 9
Was neutralised - no winner

Stage 8
TJ takes the high road in vain and a vintage Vino runs dry. Gilbert auditions late for leading man but Rui is this movie's star. @smfifteen

Stage 7
Sky falls, hearts break. Heads bump and swell, so too anger and bile. Press on thru pain. Abandon seems to be the hardest word. @cycletard

Stage 6
'Sky opens up, rains bring Viking reign on the slick streets of Lisieux' @cycletard

Stage 5
Cyclists kiss the tarmac by the coast, some surrendering skin before Cavendish leaves his critics high and dry. @smfifteen

Stage 4
Hell yes, GC boys come out to play early. Cadel overcomes Bert's premature celebration. @brassyn

Stage 3
Tyler reigns supreme on Independence Day, organisers celebrate by giving Cav an earlier kick in the teeth than usual. @brassyn

Stage 2
BMC's Pilot Fish can't catch Cuddles' yellow as Fabs fires on 4 cylinders in search of Andy's pony. Thor SMASHes polka dots for win! @cycletard

Stage 1
"PhilGil. Again. Steve Bartman's French cousin sabotages Contador. @CycleHermit

The Tour in 133 Characters or less - Stages 14-15 - updates

2011-07-18T22:01:00.002+10:00

First, check out the range of awesome products at #tdf133 sponsors sites:

Stage 14

Winner: @cycletard:

A bootylicious Vanendert to Plateau de Beille and the Tour history books: "I don't think you're ready for this Jelle"

Honourable mentions:
@dontcallmekaty
Panache Plateau GC = Game of Chess? Fireworks fizzle but Jens! adds snap crackle & pop; TV & team triumph; Jelle doesn't wobble

@smfifteen

UCI under fire! Riders insist Voigt's heart and spirit give him unfair advantage. Calls for Yellow Jersey to be classified a PED

@Bikezilla1

Good day for Jens: picnicked w/spectators, impersonated Spanish riders, ate photog heart, drove the group &; ended w/a smile

@techknowgn
Jens crashed not once, but twice;while the GCers, they mostly played nice. kinda strange seeing so little change in a mountain range

@butterflywriter
Hommage to Casartelli,then big break broke as the Beille beckoned. Andy's attack shook but only sweat, Contador sought shelter

Stage 15

Winner @butterflywriter

Voeckler flares the patron's wand as riders cross Carmague. A break with FDJ again is caught. Cav wins the sprint; Farrar cries argh

Honourable mentions:
@smfifteen
They carve open crosswinds, peloton-pulling, annul attacks & launch that winning kick - Cav's keen team advance the green dream.

@brassyn
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......Cav

@cycletard
The long and winding road dragged on til the HTC express roared into the station @ Montpellier delivering the Green engine that could

@techknowgn
racing like greyhounds, barking like them too; Tyler tries but Cav flies & HTC train kept its schedule with just 1 stop

The Tour in 133 Characters or less - Stages 9-13 - updates

2011-07-18T21:27:00.001+10:00

Firstly, thanks to #tdf133 sponsors - Apres Velo, Bikes Books and Beers, and La Clinica A Mano

Stage 9 - I neutralised the comp due to the crazy crashes. Judging the "best" summary of crashes didn't sit right with me. Sorry folks

Stage 10 -
Winner: @sansenmag:

Manx missile launch failure caused German gorilla to escape from zoo peloton

Honourable mentions:
@techknowgn

Mostly rubber side down they rode; Cavendish missed his train & couldn't grappel Greipel. The tour wears its training bra 1 more day

@smfifteen

PG derails the HTC train, solos in vain. No-kick Cav kicks himself as Gorilla nicks victory. TDF confirmed as “shit small race

Stage 11
Winner - @cycletard

Air raid sirens in Gaillac signal Manxman Mark to launch missile causing Greipel to grapple at line as Gilbert loses grip on green.

Honourable mentions:

@wilko602
One of @MarkCavendish best wins last night. HTC did all the chasing all the hard work and totally outclassed the others

@smfifteen
Six slick escapees strive to make sprinters go Boom but Renshaw’s return sees HTC’s green-eyed monster secure the jersey he covets

Stage 12

Winner - @techknowgn

AC got dropped like a rock; wasnt much of a shock, one schleck looked back, the other attacked and Voeklers the fellow in yellow

Closely following:
@butterflywriter

The Beijing king triumphant reigns the polka dots too he takes, while the lion roars in tri-couleur and the Welsh enjoy their cakes

@cycletard

Slipped betwixt two slips of Schleck, a Spaniard struggles as a Basque battler brings Bastille Day glory to the clan of the carrots

@smfifteen

Tour men mock gravity as Super G slaloms skyward. Faves feint and spar, are split by sibling trickery. Sammy thrives, Tommy survives.

Stage 13 -

Winner

@dontcallmekaty

Vultures visit; Kloedi goes Boom; Rainbows resplendent after Thor thunders and storms the mountain; Roy's raw ride wrings our hearts

But there were a lot of good ones:
@butterflywriter
Jeremy Roy the King of Hearts and Thor Hushovd the Ace of Clubs bet the house with two French Kings and Belgian Spade

@cycletard
No miracle at Lourdes; vultures spell doom for Klöden; Boom as a Norse god wages war on a newly-crowned king and hero of the mist.

@sansenmag
On breakaway day/Roy soars into polka dots/Moncoutié does not/Thor roars to stage victory/Mountain goats play possum in Pyrenees

@wilko602
Good to see Thor continue Cadel's legacy in the rainbow jersey and stick that jinx where it belongs.

@brassyn
Big boys hold station as Thor hammers J-Roy's heart. Next target: his Garmin contract. PhilGil ignores the memo.

@sitdowninfront
Roy showed heart as Thor took the Mountain by both hands & ROARED. The Peloton nodded quietly in approval for the Rainbow Stripes

@techknowgn
Klodis back leaves Levi alone; Lars cracks with a Boom and Thor brings the Thunder on Aubisque

That's so TDF - rest, recuperation and raids

2011-07-18T13:37:00.009+10:00

A day or so before the rest day last week, Matty Keenan on commentary duty asked about Alberto Contador “How does he sleep at night?” One of Contador's fears is the appearance of not Didi in the mountains but the Man in the Carpaccio Mankini “He haunts my dreams…a beefy borat bikini is not something any man should see…I’ve not seen him yet, but you wait for the Alps. You think a costume like that is not possible?"

Contador also revealed that he fears the Schlecks. Why? Because “there are two of them.” But can't Contador remember the 1-2 egg and spoon race Andy and Frank had going on at the Plateau de Beille? He does know they're not twins right and therefore the evil multiple birth (er, hang on) thing doesn't apply?

No that's not it, he's afraid of what Phil Ligget revealed - afraid of again being the meat in the Schleck Sandwich. He remembers last time It was not a pleasant experience.

Ok – it was a little while ago now in the life of the tour, but it did catch my eye. Again, hardened atheists – this time some atheist journos – were turned once again into believers because of Contador. This time, they accepted without question Riis’(who is a god) explanation of the Karpets incident. Remember the opening press conference with Saxobank, remember everything before that point? They wouldn’t believe a word Riis said. This time though they believed Contador’s saddle got caught up in Karpets' handlebars. They believe anything that makes Contador look shit, right?

With the second day soon approaching, I thought it fitting to discuss what happened last rest day so we know what to expect this time around::

Diary of a French media dilemma, written by a generic French media representative –

“rest day lull – expect boring press conferences, what can Berty, Andy and Cuddles and their DS’s say they haven’t already said. “My sore knee is waiting for..the Pyrenees, if not then, the Alps,” “Molly wouldn’t carry the Schlecks to Paris either, even if they were fatigued and she was a Saint Bernard with a Swiss Flag on her torso” or “our parents said we could get a pony if we cross the line together in Paris…and when that happens we’ll salute like this (tip my hat to cyclismas cartoon there for the mum and dad thing). We can’t even cover Jensie’s foray into Twitter – our government forbids favouring any sort of product – we wouldn’t defy a law like that we’re too ethical….

(the L’equipe yellow phone rings) “hello random French journo…French lab here. Yes, the urine has not yet even settled, but I think I’ve got your first positive.”

Me: “How about the B sample, have you told the appropriate people, does the rider or the team yet know?”

“merde, non. You know my first call is always to you guys, you or ARD.”

Jackpot….a rest day to boot. Somebody got Overlord’s memo.”

So what was the reaction from the team “we have decided to take Alexandr Kolobnev out of the tour.”

But what about his B Sample? “I mean…Kolobnev has decided to retire from the race…”

Considering all this, Tourdecouch turns now to a song dedication for Kolobnev. Probably was going through Millar’s mind too once upon a time.

We’ve seen already how the Leopard-Trekkies have a Vanity Van of Food Consumption. Stuart O’Grady then revealed their other marginal gain gainer. O’grady’s Auto Bus of Booze.

“How does this save you time Stuey”

“Well, we have everything here, it’s decked out like a bar but it has bunk beds for all of us and all our suave LT kit… It saves us time because we don’t have to roll back to our hotel, we can just wake up, get into our kit and voila, we’re ready for the next stage.”

“But what about curfew, remember what happened with Riis last year?”

“What you talking about, Andersen stays here with us and whips us all up recovery bloody marys and panache cakes (*copyright Cycleboredom).

And what is it with the word panache? Since it was covered early this year by excellent blogger Cycling Tips, it’s caused hysteria among the twitterarti.

“Omg, I need panache…quick quick quick…I haven’t had any since…Gilbert’s last win. I’d never heard it before this, I used to just say, great racing, or some other such apt description…but quick I need some panache I need some……” said unidentified MAMIL/MAFIL.

Voeckler has panache as does Roy, Hushovd, Hoogerland, anyone else who attacks whether it works or not. Cavendish wins alot with flair, but he doesn't have panache, apparently. And according to some on twitter, not only does Cadel have no panache, he doesn’t have any honour.

I mean, what’s honourable about coming second in 07 virtually with no teammates to Discovery, or honourable about coming second in 08 against CSC/Saxo /Riis et al? I mean…what was I thinking. And let's not forget these people are comparing modern GC'ers to one day/week races. These same people are after a clean-er peloton, but again have been drinking the panache koolaid which makes them forget that nearly everyone was on something once and they've been taking and re-inserting their own blood since the early 80s. And even if they weren’t, they’re on something now which makes them forget that while it’s fun to remember halcyon days and compare generation to generation…it’s probably inaccurate.

More expected rest day interview type questions and answers:

“So Riis, what do you think about the Schleck 1-2 the other day?” a not Kimmage/Bonnie/Lionel journo asks

(Riis, holding back the laughs) “It’s a lot like the film Waterboy. Remember how the coach stole Henry Winkler’s play book? Looks like Anderson/Nygaard stole mine.”

“Yes,but in that movie, Henry is a loser. Why are you so relaxed and laughing then?”

“Firstly, I think I stuck a few of the pages together, so that’s why they attack in odd places. He used it in Flanders and Paris Roubaix and for the Schlecks in LBL. And also because, remember, Henry Winkler imagines cute animals when he fears people…I look at Nygaard and I see someone like me, a cute bald bear…Fabian, I see as Kimba the white lion and Schlecks I see as unicorns…and Kimmage a fluffy cute bunny.”

“What about Jens, he’s a hard man”

“I just imagine I’m listening to him talking instead…he always makes me go, awww, how cute. Makes me forget that the road bends to his will.”

Finally, the Vomatron award – I think we have a winner and it looks like no one is likely to take the award away: last week, Simon Gerrans revealed that a photojournalist on the back of a moto was suffering motion sickness and showered them with that morning’s brioche. To this person, hope you’re ok.

The Tour in 133 characters or less - stages 5-8 update

2011-07-10T18:34:00.001+10:00

Stage 5 - Winner:
'Cyclists kiss the tarmac by the coast, some surrendering skin before Cavendish leaves his critics high and dry.' @smfifteen

Honourable mentions:
@sansenmag Crashtastic course; Frenchtastic breakaway; Berto biketoss; Nicki S in moto mess; Cav outsprints PhilGil on hill; Tommeke woebegone

@velocentric crash after crash, lots of (road) rash and Cav wins the dash.

@wannabebikegirl crash, crash, crash (omg carrots), heartache and CAV FROM OUT OF NOWHERE (not very good, i know)

@igitdog Minor crashes really sorting out the top contenders this year. Cav now sprinting with purpose again. RIP Carly Hibberd

Stage 6 - Winner:
'Sky opens up, rains bring Viking reign on the slick streets of Lisieux' @cycletard

Honourable mentions:
@sister_ratched 'Andouiletes! Tripe sausage todger action...Radioshack desperately seek attention, in Lance's absence?

@sansenmag 'Rain comes and goes away as Norwegians own the day: Eddy loses stage virginity as Thor keeps jaune jersey; alas, Levi rues gravity.'

@kernelofwisdom ' Levi's genes are stone washed today'

@sitdowninfront This announcement was brought to you today by the letter T Test-Toss-terone for the man with a good bike throw.

Stage 7 - Winner:

@cycletard 'Sky falls, hearts break. Heads bump and swell, so too anger and bile. Press on thru pain. Abandon seems to be the hardest word.'

Honourable mentions:
wilko602 'a colonoscopy would be more enjoyable than watching this stage.'

smfifteen 'Brad collared by fate, Britain loses Hope. Too quick to judge! Cav outpaces Greipel. Happiness replaces grief.'

Stage 8 - Winner

smfifteen 'TJ takes the high road in vain and a vintage Vino runs dry. Gilbert auditions late for leading man but Rui is this movie's star.'

Honourable mentions:
technowgn ' TJ climbed the mountains high, Costa would vino deny, Hushovd gave a glorious try, tomorrow heads up to the sky.'

brassyn: Costa victorious as leopards watch and wait. Cadel ever more ominous. Thor smashes himself to keep yellow.

Again, more comp details here and here.

That's so TDF - The Muppet Show

2011-07-09T16:34:00.003+10:00

ibikelondon.blogspot.com

Kermit: It's the Muppet Show! (cue theme) - with special guests Bruyneel and Peeters.

(Statler and Waldorf sing their bit as usual)

Why do we always come here
I guess we'll never know
It's like a kind of torture
To have to watch the show

Kermit: Hi-ho Kermit the frog here. But first up this evening - Animal Boonen. (Animal is rubbing his head gingerly) Oh Animal. You look a bit...sick, do you think you can perform tonight
Animal Boonen: Ride Bike...Ride Bike.
Kermit: hmmm ok. Maybe he's not ready to perform tonight. OK, then how about you Beaker Horner?
Beaker Horner: Meep meep
Kermit: hmmm.....Oh, well, sounds like they cant go on. Peeters and Bruyneel, what do you think?
Peeters: Bugger the doctors, I let the riders make up their own mind. They're the ones who know their bodies the best. Leaving the tour is something a doctor can't decide, it is after all the tour, which I reminded Boonen three times when he came back to the car today.
Kermit: OK - and Johan?
Johan: Ditto Kerms. Pretty fortunate for me they choose to go on when they can, what with all the shit I'm in.
Statler: Ha.
Waldorf: What's so funny?
Statler: How could riders decide for themselves if they could ride on or not? Cyclists aren't the sharpest tool in the Lezyne box.
Waldorf: What do you mean?
Statler: Well, many of them take cancer drugs but they don't have cancer, they cite footprints on the moon quote, but don't believe the moon landing happened, and they see obstetricians but they don't have vaginas or a uterus. Bah hah...although, some of them are right c...
Animal vomits.
Sam the Eagle - This is not wholesome. This is not cultural.

Looks like German broadcasters ARD and ZDF are getting some abuse in regards to their quest for wholesome entertainment. After pulling TDF coverage in 2007 after another scandal, they scaled back to just a daily wrap up show. Next year they won't even show that..ever again. They cited insignificant viewer interest but with their alleged emphasis on doping, it's not hard to see the reason is doping. It's also not hard to see why there was little viewer interest if their emphasis was on doping. 'Yeah, we want scrutiny, but show us some fricking bike racing.' Kloden has a point about how it seems only cycling's navel is gazed at by insiders and outsiders. But then so did the guy he @replied the f word to. What was it he said again? Something about the Freiburg report? Here's also an analysis of this issue in Fabianese about the Womens' World Cup dope bust.

But the muppets forget one thing. If the media had to cover these positive tests at the Women's soccer world cup, it would also mean they'd have to cover....women's sport.

Speaking of not wholesome and Radioshack, in Stage 6 we were treated to what @sister_ratched described as 'Andouilettes! Tripe sausage todger action...' Yes it was Radioshack nature break. Apparently, lots of riders were fined that day for the very same thing, but Radioshack somehow escaped. It was probably because like me, the Commissaire who had to watch that footage to make a decision ran screaming from the TV. I too did not want to take in what over 20 years of 'preparing' (copyright, the Flammecast) for races had done to those codger's todgers. All I can say is I'm not sure I could look at Cassoulet in the same way again.

And finally- today's That's so TDF was brought to by the letter G. (sorry about the Jim Henson crossover)

Was he talking about the Vanity Van of Food Consumption (copyright Brassyn) - also known as the Magic Disco Biscuit Truck - or the guys from Hide the Toblerone.

Thank you and goodnight.

That's so TDF - I saw your crash,I'm a karma believer

2011-07-07T22:48:00.005+10:00

Lots of strong reactions from riders yesterday about the parcours so far. Sprinters want GC'ers to bugger off and form their own Tour de France, race radio proponents (except Vaughters who is still screaming beside the bus about the TTT win) think the course is way too dangerous,and others aren't saying anything at all because they're still picking Bretagne bitumen from their wounds. But after reading and hearing a lot of the reactions it's all starting to sound like, well I don't know what it sounds like because it's only a sound dogs can hear.

It could be said all of them (including the ASO) are right, and all of them (including the ASO) are wrong. But when it comes to remembering the annals of this tour, will we remember Contador and Braijkovic crashing, what Renshaw, Cav, Horner and Bruyneel said after the race, or will we remember Cadel edging out Alberto Contador, Cav sprinting up a lump (much to Feillu's chagrin) without his traditional lead out man, and Boonen (ride of Stage 5 just before Cav) battling home to make the time cut.

I saw Contador's crash, I'm a karma believer
With boos from the outset - not in the ampitheatre, the opinion poll leading into the tour - it was quite clear the French wanted their pound of flesh from Contador. It is now available for them to buy from the official ASO merchandise shop online. It was also quite clear on Twitter there was worldwide jubilation after Contador's crash. It's amazing how a skinny kid who just wants to ride his bike - and is officially sanctioned to do so - can enrage and unite so many people and also do the impossible - turn atheists into karma believers.

Other observations - I bet Greipel feels just like Cadel did all those years at Omega Pharma Lotto. It was quite clear that the only thing stopping him on Stage 5 was Philip Gilbert, who it was at least publicly revealed anyway, was only targeting stages 1 and 4. That makes him a sad..Gorilla.

#firstwordproblems - expensive bike not doing what Wiggins and Contador want it to. #thirdworldproblems - Beijing Bicycle.

The Global Doping Police
Speaking of Garmin - were we really, does it matter? - they won the TTT only a few days ago and Hollywood's already made a film about it.

The Vanity Van of Food Consumption (Trademark - @brassyn- yes nyvelocity,trademarked )
The coiner of this phrase, Brassyn, said 'say what you will (quite validly) about Sky last year, but at least they didn't have the Vanity Van of Food Consumption (copyright).' What are you talking about you ask? This. I can just see tomorrow morning before the stage start, Voigt and Stuey trying to get Andy away from the mirror. "C'mon Andy – we have to get to the start.' 'Hold on I want to look at this picture for a bit longer, I’m transfixed….it’s beautiful…I’ve never seen such beauty before.' Was Andy never to be seen since?

Almost the Vomatron award - Was Team Sky's video about rainforests. But the way Gerraint Thomas says 'Green is the new black' is too cute for me to throw up me carrots.

Phil and Paul clanger - Sherwen after Contador's thumbs up to the TV after his crash. Thumbs up sign 'to the spectators...obviously the Spanish spectators..... to let them know I'm ok.'

SBS clanger - (via @cycleadagio) - this ad played during last night's (and others probably) coverage from the cycling network.

Stage 4 - The Tour in 133 characters or less #tdf133

2011-07-06T20:46:00.000+10:00

Quite a few entries today. But after much deliberation, the winner is:

@brassyn again with:

"Hell yes, GC boys come out to play early. Cadel overcomes Bert's premature celebration.'

Again @Wilko602 just misses out today with:

"Wouldn't mind knowing what Alberto Contador is using for his teeth whitening...Dulux, British Paints.'

Cycletard just misses out on second and rounds out the podium with:

Cuddles beats Contador by a scant six inches. Remember, it's not what's in your meat that matters, but how you use it....'

Honourable mentions:
@butterflywriter Yes, if there had been another K, AC may have outlasted Cadel. Grimaces could be because he was not liking wet shorts.

@sprintingforsigns in a bid to make the first week exciting again, the organisers take a note out of the Classics to add some spice to the race.

@Cyclehermit Burghardt & Big George schlepp Cadel up Mur for win, Contador grits his teeth to find Giro form, Thor honors Yellow in fine fashion.

Unofficial honourable mention:
Not a pro this time, but a tweet I somehow came across from a guy who didn't know about the comp but now he does
@richtwits expecting a population spike in 9 months, everyone is rooting for @CadelOfficial. Jolly good show chap.

Please keep tweeting, Brassyn's won two in a row now, catch her napping in a crosswind.

Again, more details here and here.

That's so TDF - Cuddles

2011-07-06T12:58:00.002+10:00

So let’s recap. The major favourite loses time on the first day, the TTT was darn tooting exciting right til the last team rolled through (will OPL come last? I thought biting my nails), Farrar finally wins a stage with Thor yellow jersey leading him out, then two GC contenders go for it on Stage 4.

Chapeau Christian Prudhomme, chapeau. Yes, chapeau Cycling Weekly from us francophiles– we’re here, our “bidons” are full of Belgian beer, get used to it.

Well, of course, he didn’t plan that spectator crash which saw Contador at a handicap from day 1, but no prologue, the TTT, and the non cobbled classics like action has been spectacular.

Your heart would not be beating if you talked about stage 4 and didn’t talk about the salute. Cadel’s almost saying “Contador, you’re in enough trouble mate, this is NOT going to go down well with the crowds, especially those who know “that’s so not PRO” to do when it’s that close.”

Maybe deep down Contador knew too - it wasn't the lame-o pistol. Bar the thumbs up thing now and then, Cuddles doesn’t really have a signature victory salute. Andy has one - the Tiesto hands in the air disco dancing victory salute that’s as uncoordinated as his time trialling. So what should Cadel do – what about something alluding to his nickname. Hugging himself as he crosses the line? No? But I can imagine it “Oooh…here comes Cuddles, Schleckette – NOW you know who I am? I know who you are - you haven’t won the tour yet either. You need CAS to win a tour..” That’d be some trash talk.

The award for Thor Thorness goes to - Thor. 5^th. Nothing else to say.

Speaking of Thor, Garmin have revealed to Esquire what Thor eats – and surprisingly no it’s NOT gravel.

Leopard Trek asked Linus how his day was.Without a shred of fan girl there’s only one word that comes to mind when you see Linus. Beautiful. How does he keep his hair like that? The answer. Zabriskie, take note.

Sprinter bitch slaps

After probably almost causing a crash yesterday and Cav saying so, Feillu called Cav arrogant. He says Cav while having a brilliant burst of speed, a lot of power and a great aerodynamic position, is only the strongest sprinter because of his team. Feillu prefers Hushovd or Pettachi as he feels similar to them, especially Thor “because of our favoured route profiles..and then in term of discretion.” Can anyone tell me how discrete was Feillu's team car moto pacing him back to the peloton after the bike change at about 10kms to go? He even motioned for them to go faster, faster. Thor and Cav meanwhile will forever remain DQ’d from the St 3 intermediate sprint. Anyway, Cav has other worries. :(

Phil and Paul “colourful” clangers - last night – Phil: Anthony Charteau has had a “retarded” season….

Sites to check out: Veeral Patel's blog should be on your daily list anyway, but just in case it's not, here's his post and photos from today's stage. And Pez has quite an enjoyable read about Brittany at TDF time.

Stage 3 - The Tour in 133 Characters or less #tdf133

2011-07-05T17:26:00.000+10:00

Just a really quick post today as having a manic day.

Congrats @brassyn - you took the podium step today with:

"Tyler reigns supreme on Independence Day, organisers celebrate by giving Cav an earlier kick in the teeth than usual."

Like Romain Feillu, @Wilko602 just misses out today with:

Great stage of the Tour down Under last night. Stunning view of a dirty Yarra from atop the Westgate Bridge was a highlight. #tdf133

Robbie Mcewen wins the unofficial comp with:

Congrats to Tyler and his teammates. Cool, calm, collected, confident, disciplined, organised. That's what it takes.

Others who didn't win were still awesome. Keep tweeting all.

Again, more details here and here.

That's so TDF - Fabianese as a Second Language

2011-07-05T14:18:00.003+10:00

At one point during last night's stage on the couch, I looked away to read a few things for what I thought was just a moment. I awoke to my find my face stuck to my iphone. Oh dear, what did I miss?

"Why is my stepdaughter leading the peloton in France (which looks a lot like Lake Burley Griffin right now) and how did the UCI approve her sweet mongoose bmx?" I asked sleepily. The screensaver was on and it was scrolling through my husband's photos on the media centre. This - and the tractor bikes - was as exciting as last night's stage got - until about the last 10kms.

Bernie Eisel must be suffering still from the TTT crash because he peeled off surprisingly early. The initial look Tony Martin gave him, I thought he was going to get all policeman on his arse. HTC went way too early for some reason which left enough space for Garmin's train not to look ridiculous like it has in other years - although that was also largely down to Thor. Tyler gets maximum points for making me teary - for the W of course but also post interview when he started to tear up speaking about Thor leading him out. He said (paraphrase) "How often do you have Thor Hushovd, World Champion and the yellow jersey leading you out." Woah. That's really nice.

But that - not Tyler thanking him, but Thor leading anyone out - actually rankles some people - like it did me the whole classics season when they left Thor in the cage. Thor in yellow makes up for it, but it did get a little under my skin when commentary/post stage analysis last night said it was like Lance's domestique Victor Hugo Pena who was in yellow in 2003, who then worked for Lance. Thor,domestique?

It looks like yellow jersey love has seen Thor bury the hammer with Cav. After the ridiculous ruling about their minor headbutting Thor offered this gesture:

In other UCI anally retentive news, they sent out a new video about how TTT and road bikes must be set up. Here it is Let's hope the UCI doesn't take over the Naked Bike Ride like it wants to with skateboarding.

The "You say Leo-pard, I say tom-ate-o file." Forgive me if I'm wrong, but telling a journo or a commentator how they should pronounce a team name when that name is English, unlike say Euskatel or Liquigas, is surely asking for trouble i.e. how many would adhere to the rules? But it appears many don't say "lep-ard" anymore even if the way they say it isn't as per the Leopard Trek press release i.e. "lay-o-pard".

It seems many respect it like it's culturally significant and sensitive without the team really explaining why layopard. However, Paul and Phil tried to explain this cultural significance last night. Where does lee-o-pard come from, Paul asked rhetorically as he was about to tell us. Apparently the rich guys who own Leopard-Trek, were sitting down over a couple of cups of Kopi Luwak and were thinking of a name. They named it Leopard after the Leopard tank first introduced in 1965 in Germany.

So they want to be seen as this strong mighty clunky military machine rather than the sleek animal? Perhaps it was meant to avoid comparisons to the animal such as "Can Kim Anderson really change his spots?"

Or maybe it's because they just want to blow shit up*.Surely that explains the name, but the pronunciation - lay-o-pard? Well it does actually - at least the way Phil and Paul say it. Listen here . If it's after the tank it looks like it should be pronounced lee-o-pard. But how does that explain lay-oh-pard? It's not a mystery I'm going to spend any more time trying to solve anyway.

FSL - Fabianese as a second language - Or the Leopard pronunciation could simply just be a version of Fabianese. Fabianese is officially now a language - Spartacus says so:

The Fabianese English was first spoken and created by Fabian Cancellara, but which @sitdowninfront first gave a name to. Look at pretty much any one of Fabian's tweets and you'll see an example of it.

The Times - three days in and I don't know how many more sleepless nights to go, seems the talk on twitter about Contador just won't go away. They're still talking about the Saxo pre event press conference.'Look what he said to Kimmage purple monkey dishwasher.'. Kimmage is the anti-Lance of the anti-doping obsessed. I do admire him and his balls especially when he asked questions while most swooning journos were, well swooning. However, Contador did need to be asked the question and probably a few more - or at least his people should have been expecting it and been better prepared. His answers didn't satisfy many, and it probably didn't Kimmage.

I'm not meaning to sound offensive or mocking here, but how much questioning does Kimmage do of himself regarding the kingdom he is a part of working for the Sunday Times particularly after the latest allegations of Murdoch's News of the World hacking missing girl Milly Dowler's phone. Of course it's a separate paper etc etc, and Kimmage has to earn a living. But at the end of the day, his articles help bring in revenue for Murdoch who at the very least can't get HIS house in order in regards to this hacking issue. The media stable Paul Kimmage is a part of also allowed him that access last year with Team Sky - were there heaps of hard questions asked when he was there? Again, I don't mean anything and OF COURSE doping also needs scrutiny, but it's good to have perspective sometimes.

Favourite pics of today

My fave pics of today are this - Tyler, and this - Cadel, in polka dots, wearing a cycling cap, reading L'equipe.

Again, check out Veera Patel's photos from today and here's Kristof Ramon's from the TTT yesterday.

*(UPDATED - this link doesn't appear to be playing on mobile devices)

Giro Donne - Stage 3 - 'Roller Coaster'

2011-07-04T20:13:00.000+10:00

More winngingest this year (?) than Gilbert - Marianne Vos is back in pink. A hard stage by the looks of it and totally suited to her. I'm not trying to give an account of every stage here, just trying to put into the one place where you can go for as much coverage on the race as you can rather than try and find it all yourself if you don't have the time to go looking.

Here's quite a big chunk of the stage on this vid via _Pigeons_ who summed it up in one tweet 'Seriously, st 3 #GiroDonne had everything - course profile like teeth of a comb, scenery, great racing, and Marina Romoli'

Podium cafe's account here where a lot of riders' tweets etc have also been collected.

Garmin has a summary and photos of st 1-3 here.

CJ Farquharson's photos here at womenscycling.net - they're the same ones as Rachel Neylan's link to the Giro Donne website, but why not increase traffic for these guys. There's also a great report on their site too. Here's my fave photo - Marina Romoli (former Pasta Zara presenting the Maglia Rosa, who's been in a wheelchair since being hit seriously by a car last year, followed by this one of Shara Gillow in the Maglia Rosa in a break, and this of Vos winning.

Shara Gillow lies fourth, with her Bizkaia Durango teammate Ruth Corset in 12th.

Stage 2 - The Tour in 133 Characters or less #tdf133

2011-07-04T17:12:00.001+10:00

A real photo finish! Even harder to pick a winner today.

Congrats - Cycletard had the slightest fraction of a tyre in front:

BMC's Pilot Fish can't catch Cuddles' yellow as Fabs fires on 4 cylinders in search of Andy's pony. Thor SMASHes polka dots for win!

Very closely followed by @Wilko602 with:

Woke up with a sore back...probably to do with my TTT position on the couch.

And @brassyn:

Astana disco-shimmers, Carrot trundles, Bernie sadfaces, Fabian tows, Phil banana's, Cadel fights & Garmin conquers.

Honourable mention:

Cycle Hermit Stage 2: Thor trades chicken pox for jaundice. @Vaughters crotchshot on podium.

Unknowing pro cyclist unofficial winners:

Greg Henderson “oooohhhhhh. out of the jersey by one measly little second. that would rip your nighty”

Keep tweeting everyone for your chance to win some cool prizes. Stage 3 - flat with potential for cross winds - what can happen??

Don't forget details of the comp and the prizes are here and here.

That's so TDF - Team Time Trials and Tribulations

2011-07-04T13:23:00.004+10:00

TTT time! Who could forget the last one in 2009? Agritubel’s disco helmets and whole teams falling in ditches. One of the teams was Skil-Shimano and poor Koen de Kort still painfully remembers.

While there were no disco helmets, there were big green golf balls and disco outfits. And while whole teams didn't fall into a ditch, Saxobank rode the whole stage looking for one to hide in. Not because of more time lost but because of the boos Contador, WADA, Riis,sponsors, RFEC, the Spanish Government, Spanish cattle farmers, cows, UCI, CAS and the media all helped to produce and made them suffer.

Meanwhile the Schlecks, who are just as bad at time trials as Saxo's Noval and Hernandez, managed to gain time on Contador, carried by Spartacus, Linus and Fuglsang. And this is how Andy looked immediately after the stage.

Let's hope he was later able to take part in Leopard Trek dinner debates such as 'did the moon landing happen'. It seems Frank is a non believer because in reply to Christian VDV,who said something like of course the landing happened, it was the USA – even more American exceptionalism than you can point a Team Time Trial helmet at – Frank said this. Perhaps Cav and his WAG might lift up the brows - and the eyes - of discussions. Funnily enough though, look at the quote on Frank's Twitter profile.

While whole teams didn't crash, poor Bernie Eisel did on the first corner. But he made the time cut despite wounds so he gets the Jens Jens-ness award for today.

Now on to the TTT presentation. We all remember the Badger's formidable reaction skills and strength at keeping people off the stage who distract from riders glory. If you don't, here's a reminder. So how the hell did he let this happen then? Yep, that's the Vomatron award for today.

On a lighter note, here's some fan pics and photos from non GW like photographers.Well worth a look.

Fan, Mark Pinsent and photographers Veeral Patel and G Cameron at Pez Cycling. Check out Cameron's pic of the UCI magically changing/adhering to rules.

Another Australian puts on the Maglia Rosa

2011-07-03T21:19:00.001+10:00

Here's Australian Shara Gillow in the Maglia Rosa, which she earnt after riding most of the stage as part of a 14 rider breakaway which was whittled away to just three including Sylwia Kapusta (Gauss), and Sharon Laws (Garmin-Cervelo), Shara attacked in the last 300m.

Womenscycling has the best report and photos from the stage, and Team Jayco AIS has quotes from the new Maglia Rosa wearer. Can't yet find any highlights or other photos.

Go Shara!! Australian cycling is alive and well.

Boozey Le Tour - Part 1-Kalimotxo

2011-07-03T20:17:00.002+10:00

Over the next three weeks, I endeavour to drink the alcoholic beverages TDF teams' countries are known for....Thank goodness there's a few from the same country, or I'd need a new liver.

Tonight - I travel to Spain, specifically the Basque region. Kalimotxo

Why the Basque region and not say start off with France? I can't think of a better way to honour a team with the potential to have the most influence on the peloton in the first week, crash wise, Euskatel Euskidi and especially at a time when they are probably their most nervous, just before the Team Time Trial.

Recently in the office, 20 something Ron said to colleague 21 year old Jack (not their real names) "tried your red wine and coke at my party the other night. Loved it." I'd never heard of it, however it made sense to me just like sangria. Another colleague Sue (also not her real name) was mortified. "You can't do that to red wine!!" Jack who knows his wine says "Well you obviously don't use a good quality wine. I used to drink this all the time in Spain, it's just like Sangria only with Coke." Sue said "I spent a lot of time in Spain, I had lots of sangria but I never came across that," perhaps thinking this was something a 21 year old stumbled upon one night half conscious with nothing in the house but boxed wine and coke. "Well, did you go to the Basque region." "No" "That's where I drank it."

Since then I've wanted to try it. Here's more info from wikipedia and below a recipe I got from here.

Verdict - tastes a lot like Sangria.

Recipe:

Ingredients

ice
red wine (it can be any kind, but I like to use a Spanish red, like Rioja)
coca-cola
lemon wedge, optional for garnish

Directions

Place the ice in wine glass or goblet. Fill with red wine until about 2/3* full. Top with coke. If using, squeeze lemon and drop in. Stir with a straw, bar spoon, or finger. Enjoy!

Makes 1 drink.

*The proportions are totally up to you. If the drink tastes better with equal parts red wine and coke or 3/4 wine and 1/4 coke, make it that way.

Topa!! Bring on the TTT.

The Tour in 133 characters or less - Stage 1 #133 - Winner

2011-07-03T16:40:00.000+10:00

This tweet should've been a shoe in for #tdf133 -

"started the stage across a road laid down by Moses, thru a swarm o bugs, got mooned by Borat and half the peloton hit the deck.luv the tour." rider and new to Twitter's Stuart O'Grady

Cav also tweeted an honourable mention "Just saw today's last kilometre. Gilbert humbled everyone with the equivalence of pulling down his pants to reveal a 13 incher #YIKES."

Only, they didn't know they had entered and plus they're pro so no stage win for them, that's the way that goes.

So drum roll please...the winner of Stage 1 #tdf133 is:

"PhilGil. Again. Steve Bartman's French cousin sabotages Contador. @CycleHermit

Honourable mentions and I suspect one of them is sure to take a stage win in the next 18 stages):

Forget Evans, forget the Schlecks, forget Contador...bravo to the BMC team for riding hard and keeping their man at the front. @Wilko602

"Omega Pharma outdo the carrots, rest of peloton follow suit. Total PhilGilHill. @brassyn

"Tickling Trout on Eurosport tops Versus "popelling", carrot crashes, Ligget racial slur expands Anglo Empire" @cycletard

Keep tweeting everyone for your chance to win some cool prizes. The TTT is surely to give you a lot of material. Let all your tweeps know about the comp too.

Don't forget details of the comp and the prizes are here and here.

That's so TDF

2011-07-03T09:53:00.003+10:00

Stage 1

Jens Watch
Mamils and mafils swooned at Jens' camel like efforts carrying a bottle in every part of his jersey and bib shorts with about 30km to go. Stroke of genius getting that footage TDF crew. The TDF coverage is after all about these guys I mean who else identifies with the SBS TDF promo ad played in the breaks in the SBS coverage, the racing itself is clearly not enough for these fellas, they've got to get their ego tickled before they fork out thousands for an IG market account and for a bike at the Avanti Bike Sale, which they'll sell in 3 months on bikeexchange.com.au. But it's OK I guess, the 'i only watch cycling when the TDF is on' audience have Gabriel Gate to keep them interested.

Expect Jens coverage to up a notch this year on many non Euro media outlets given Armstrong is no longer around. Who else can the mamil hold up as a hero - that coloured fellow? Um, what's his name...Contador? No Way -he's a horrible cheat. Radioshack may still hold appeal but a few looks at Weekend at Bernies Kloden, Skeletor Horner and that other guy remind us all too much of our mortality. The cult of Jens will launch a wristband soon.

Panache Watch
Gilbert boringly met expectations. He said he was going to win it, had heaps of pressure, is a TDF debutante and he still won it convincingly. And he pulled it all off even with that hair.

Rihs' Watch
Remember the last Vomatron Award went to Trek for its facebook status 'If we could change our status, we'd be "In a relationship" with "Winning". Well Team BMC calls time on Trek's holding of the award with this tweet "countdown to TDF: it's the right time for heroes, thanks to the new BMC watch." Check out the pic. The watch came in handy at its first press conference. When asked about the Soigneur controversy, oh look, is that the time?

Leopard Trek Tactics
Maximum points for being up the front, unlike Contador, they learnt something off Riis.
Also points for not asking to neutralise the stage.
Lost points for Cancellara trying to get to the cafe first.

Jens Award for Jens-ness
Omega Pharma Lotto rider, Jurgen Van de Walle hit his head hard after pointing out bump to peloton to only himself fall on that bump, hitting head hard. He then recovered to do an amazing amount of work at the front for Gilbert. Expect him to be deservedly dropped first on TTT tomorrow. Take note hipsters, irrational health professionals and statisticians - helmets do seem to work.

Fan observations
Thousands appalled last year by Chaingate finally get the point - it's bike racing. Expect them to relapse when Andy stuffs up again somehow.

Phil Ligget bingo drinking game
Drink every time he says coloured. E.g. "I coloured in my Lance drawing book today." Apparently coloured isn't an offensive term where he spends most of his time - in the commentary box covering races for American TV.

Giro Donne - Stage 1

2011-07-02T09:25:00.002+10:00

Giro Donne - Roma to Velteri - 86km

Vos wins! Teutenberg second, Johansson third. Rochelle Gilmore finished 12th. She later tweeted "Day1-Giro Donne; 100% over the climb, then uphill cobbled sprint..Errrr! 12th!" There was a crash with 15km to go which USA rider for Colavita Forno d'Asol, Theresa Cliff-Ryan was caught up in. I'm not sure if this was the same one new Norway champion, Froydis Waersted broke her collarbone in as details are a bit hard to come by. The uphill (screen shot in Podium cafe link below) finish looked like a bastard, but fit for awesome Marianne Vos.

Check out this video - including footage from the handlebars! (via _pigeons_)

Cycling news report here
Some more stuff at Podium cafe
HTC has a photo gallery here http://highroadsports.com/galleries/222-Giro-Donne

Aussie watch:

12 Rochelle Gilmore
15 Ruth Corset
27 Shara Gillow
30 Vicki Whitelaw
53 Carla Ryan
56 Rachel Neylan
104 Angela McClure
114 Tiffany Cromwell
117 Bridie O'Donnell
118 Davina Summers

Nike no Dope

2011-07-02T08:49:00.000+10:00

I was after one of these shirts so I could wear it while watching the Tour each night as I, like the description said, am an adrenaline fiend and need a prescription for serious action, but alas, they are no longer available from the Nike web store. Maybe something to do with this:

Type Nike Dope in Google news and you'll wonder why they didn't envisage this. My guess is they just do not care.

Giro Donne

2011-07-01T14:02:00.001+10:00

While the guys at the Tour de France are still recovering today from playing silly buggers yesterday, the 136 riders participating in the Giro Donne leave Rome for their 934km trek in Italy. After covering around 8751 metres of climbing in ten stages, the race concludes with a 16km TT on 10 July in San Franceso Al Campo.

Australian riders account for 7% of the field. And they are:
4     Rachel Neylan (Diadora Pasta Zara)
57   Tiffany Cromwell (Hitec)
86   Bridie O'Donnell (Top Girls)
121 Rochelle Gilmore (Lotto Honda)
128 Vicki Whitelaw (Lotto Honda)
131 Shara Gillow (Bizkaia Durango)
132 Davina Summers (Bizkaia Durango)
135 Ruth Corset (Bizkaia Durango)
146 Carla Ryan (Garmin Carvelo)
155 Angela McClure (Kleo Ladies Team)

To keep up with the race, I advise following _Pigeons_ on Twitter. She's also set up a handy twitter list here so you can follow the tweeting riders, and Podium Cafe has some other handy links:
Who's riding and who to follow
A brief race preview
Bridie O Donnell's insider thoughts

And here's another good site to follow on the Giro Donne.

Can't wait to catch the racing somehow.

Inside the Tour - seasoned print sports journalist

2011-06-30T18:53:00.005+10:00

While a cyclist like Phil Anderson blazed the trail for future Australian cyclists, Rupert Guinness was one of the first Aussie journos to write about modern cycling and the Tour. Currently covering cycling (and rugby) for the Sydney Morning Herald and author of the book What a Ride (and others), Rupert's looking forward to getting 3 hours sleep a night over the next three weeks. This wearer of fine Hawaiian shirts answered my questions to give us another insight into the Tour circus.

TdC: So when are you off to the Tour? (oops, he’s already there)

RG: Leaving Sydney June 28….Paris Wednesday, June 29 early in the morning. I’ll meet one of the Velo News crew who I follow the Tour with at Charles de Gaulles airport. "Then we plan to take the TGV to Nantes, then cab it to our hotel at Clisson (25km away) and be there in time for a glass (or too many) of rose by 3.30pm!

TdC: We know riders would get nervous before taking part in the Tour, how about yourself? What do you feel:
- this many days out of the Tour (it was about a week or so when this asked)

RG: I am usually nervous that I won't get to speak to all the people I need to, to provide as comprehensive a lead-in and preview of the Tour, while at the same time get ready to have everything for the race when it starts. It all works out in the end, but I find the "to do" list is always as big and no matter how well I try and be organised I am always chasing the clock on the day I leave. When I do leave, I also have to make sure I have enough stories in the system at work so they can publish stories for that day you lose while in the air!

- the night before

RG: The night before the Tour starts I realise that all the hypothesising that has gone on for weeks or months could mean nothing! The Tour is about to start and what matters is what happens from the first kilometre! I usually feel at peace then, even if it means all the preview work is now past - history, or material to be proven wrong - which is okay, because we are all wrong sometimes (or too many times). I am usually really excited about what will happen, knowing that come the Tour's end in Paris I will be surprised many times over - and also, I must add, most probably shocked! It’s about being ready for anything - and in most cases that is being ready for the unexpected. I also always take time to be back with my old touring mates from Velo News - even if they didn’t work for Velo News when I did, but there is a tie there. Finally, I also take a little time out just think about the riders and everyone in the entourage and hope they all get through safely.

- the morning it all kicks off?

RG: I always wake up early (well, I have to, to make contact with the SMH desk before we hit the road). But on the first day I am just anxious to see the race get under way and look forward to see a result and all the fall out to write about. It's only the start, but after so many weeks of anticipation it is a start! It’s also the first day you are tested to get all your work patterns in place. It usually takes me several days to get into the swing of things and that is usually a result of error and slip ups - easily fixed by knowledge through the years of what works, but you need to be reminded in the first days. It’s the same for our travelling group. We all have different deadlines and needs, but we all try to finish by a certain hour so we can leave to find our hotel and eat dinner, even if it means we are working through and after dinner. It all comes naturally after a few days.

-And what did you feel your very first tour

RG: My very first Tour was in 1987 when Stephen Roche won. I was working for Winning Bicycle Racing magazine and at the time writing a daily diary on Roche. So I was taken back that I got to do that on my first Tour. I was also amazed by the size of the race at the time, and the circus around it - and the carnival of it all. It is much bigger now of course, but then it was still a huge thing. Although, I believe there was then still room for more intimacy between people. Now, the race is so big, it’s mostly about everyone getting in for what they need ... a sad thing, but a fact of life when so much money and importance is placed on an event that is more international. But my first Tour, I recall asking my predecessor at Winning (and one of my current touring mates) John Wilcockson who has now covered more than 40 Tours (to my 23, incl 2011) what he felt about his first Tour. He said: "Fantastic. I will always remember it." I would use the same words ... it is clearer in my mind than most Tours since!

TdC: Describe an average work day there.

RG: The day begins for me at about 6.30am. I get up, call the SMH to check if they have received overnight stories I have written), then I go for a run (40-60mins). That is the ONLY part of the day that is to myself as we share accommodation (2-3 in a room) and cars and from the moment we arrive at stage start there are ALWAYS thousands around you. We always leave to get to the stage start about one hour before. When we leave and arrive depends on where our hotel is from the finish - that can be from 100km away to actually being on the start line! What we do in the day varies according to needs - our group has 2 cars; but these days the best thing is usually to park in the press derriese (behind) and use the time you have to do interviews and let the stage start and then take the alternative route on autoroute and rejoin the route with about 30km to go and get to the finish about 1-2 hours before.

Old days, we used to stay on the course and follow breaks and go ahead of them on the course and savour the stage more; but nowadays - again - there are so many accredited cars and people, its safer and more efficient to just go ahead. But many of the routes and climbs I know from early Tours. Sometimes I go on a motor bike that is available to print journos; but you lose a day of writing for the paper, websites and all the other modern media outlets. After the stage, we do interviews and usually leave the press room - that can be anything from a tent to an ice rink, basketball court or even church (old days) - about 8-8.30pm and set off to find our hotel. All the time we are still working on various stories. For the SMH I usually do an immediate one for online, then a main story and secondary story for the paper and also a daily The Breakaway column for the paper. It also all goes on line. I am usually writing at press room, through dinner, in back seat of car en route to hotel and then at hotel - but at a comfortable pace by the end. However, usually it is 3am or 3.30am when I actually turn the lights out - realising that in 3 hours I'll be up and doing it all again. Its all good fun, as exhausting as it is, especially with the daily moving of hotel. The big test is when things dont go well, such as over booked hotels, having to sleep on the floor, finding the kitchen is closed etc etc ... Gotta keep an open mind!

TdC: For us that can’t be there and never been - briefly tell us what the whole TDF circus is like.

RG: I have described alot of it above; but the one thing about the Tour is that while there are 198 riders they are the minority. The whole entourage is about 4,500-5,000 strong and while all of France is on holidays, it is THE occasion for the celebrities to be see. Everybody want something from somebody - but that is what makes the Tour, especially with the proximity of fans with the riders. As I said, from the moment I wake at 6.30am to when I turn the lights out at about 3am there are always people around you - and enthusiastic emotional people. WILD!

I could go on all day about this ...

TdC: So imagine you’re 80. What moment do you think you’ll recall the most

- Of the tour

RG: Sorry but the biggest impact was the day Fabio Casartelli died in 1995, followed by the next stage when the peloton rode over the longest and hardest stage in the Pyrenees - in scorching weather - as virtual cortege. This year has been tragic with the deaths of Wouter Weylandt and Xavier Tondo, but being there in 1995 and having to report on the incident was hard, especially as he came from the team that was my "round" as I worked for the American Velo News guys then.

But happiest moment? Wow, there are many: as an Aussie would say witnessing Robbie McEwen win his first Tour stage in Paris when he rode for Rabobank, and also Stuart O'Grady's claim of the yellow jersey in 1998 and he said: "not bad for a freckly bastard from Adelaide." He also said it showed the yellow jersey was not a myth beyond Australian reach - and from that day on, his words have paid dividends.

- Of cycling generally

Seeing an Australian stand atop the Tour podium on the Champs Elysees, wearing the yellow jersey and capturing in my memory (if not camera) the golden hue behind him, contrasted by the silhouette of the Arc Triomphe in the background. It is still THE best scene that not only celebrates the winner but also the finality of another Tour done. Whatever year that happens, it will just reinforce to me that the wild dream of one day reporting about an Aussie victory that was sparked for me by Phil Anderson becoming the first Aussie to claim the yellow jersey was really worth it .... On top of that, I really must admit that there are two other moments that I love - the chance to sit down with friends in an old village and enjoy a glass as the sunsets, and the overall enthusiasm of the millions who follows the race - the beaming smiles. Even f you feel it’s a bad day when you wake, you always finish thinking that it is amazing an event in a sport with so many issues is so resilient.

TdC: I can imagine on the day you're leaving to come home from France there'd be a sense of relief it's over,but do you suffer post tour lows?

RG: There are post Tour lows - as much as I am keen to go into the SMH office and see colleagues (and find out the gossip), it can be deflating to realise that from your last story the Tour is really not important. Everyone has already moved on to the next event ... but that's life. It still sucks because you want to continue living the Tour.

TdC: Do you think you'd ever go the Tour if you weren't working on it?

RG: I’d love to ... but with the full kit and kaboodle: a caravan, BBQ, bikes, TV and all the stuff you need to set u home anywhere on the route and just wait for it to come - while having a party at the same time. One day I will do it ... but can I do it without applying for my accreditation, I suspect not, because I feel I'll always want to have it - just in case!!!

TdC: Finally, fave part of France, -and wine/food

RG: I used to live in the Alpes Maritime in Southern France, but I love all of France - actually my least favourite place is Paris - well, that’s not quite right. It’s a beautiful city, but I just love the wide expanses of unadulterated country. I love al the wines, all the colours, Bordeau and Bourgine reds are great. Bordeau whites too and of course, anyone who knows me would be expect me to mention the good old rose - one of my favorites is Bandol. Food? Love it all, but when on the Tour and having trouble finding a place that is open, you can always rely in the Asian restaurants.

That's so Couch - that's so Haven

2011-06-29T14:12:00.006+10:00

Cache Cache Witness Tampering?

Where's Lance

OK OK, so Tourdecouch is a bit behind with the whole Cache Cache thing. We all know the story by now. If not, you’ll find a detailed summary here.

Quickly though, Tyler was going out for some eats as a guest of Outside magazine in a restaurant in Colarado, Cache Cache. The owner rings up the Yellow Livestrong phone in Texas to say “you’ll never guess who’s here?” Lance fires up N7LA and he’s there at the restroom within moments. Apparently he said “I’ll destroy you in there that witness box” or something like that. And according to rumours, there was also some stuff said about some lady called Haven?

Or was he? The restaurant owner and some random patron, later seen eating from a white lunch bag given to him by Lance, said he never left the stool. While those are words we also hope were uttered in 500 of his doping control tests, here’s another guy who never left his bar stool. And this lady looks like she’s spent a lot of time on a bar stool too. Bet Lance has never been to that restaurant.

Anyway, the Feds are said to be looking into whether there was any witness tampering in the toilet. Tourdecouch is more worried about people who are allowed to name their kid Haven.

Tastes like chicken

Of course you also heard the one about the five Mexican soccer players busted for clenbeuterol and then blaming it on the chicken they ate. While tourdecouch often finds entertainment observing cyclists/ex cyclists, it’s also amusing to sit back and watch some journalists too. They guffawed and cried on twitter, “chicken? what’s next tofu?” like only beef has clenbeuterol in it or something. Are they questioning that chickens are never given clenbeuterol? Or its not plausible meat in Mexico is tainted? Surely a five second google search would help solve that puzzle. While Tourdecouch is neither here nor there in regards to believing in athletes and their excuses, I’m definitely firm in my belief status in journalists who can’t even u-google –lise.

The Tour always brings out the sartorial brilliance

- Rug up in France in July with this LT scarf, at 69 euro, it's made from a mixture of unicorn tears and the best fabric.

- Check out the mod goodness here of Wiggo. Team Sky brings out the rainforest cause again to look different to Garmin in the peloton

- And Nike not to be outdone by Le Coq Sportif brings in a new shirt especially for the tour. Shit you not. UPDATED: this product is no longer available, apparently. But here is what it looked like.

Cav gets an MBE

Again, behind on the news . Cav got an MBE - for his spelling on Twitter. At first I thought it was a ghost tweeter, but surely he/she wouldn’t be there when Cav’s about to have a shower, when he’s cuddled up with the missus, and when he’s checking out the Velits twins’ legs.

Why the surprise? The guy who brought us that articulate victory sign last year can actually spell and string two sentences together. I think I’ve only seen one mistake so far. That’s better than all the other English-is-surprisingly-their-first-language tweeting cyclists - and many cycling blogggers.

Vomatron award

- Goes to, not Wiggins for his impersonation of a pregnant northern England 15 year old, but this from Trek via Leopard Trek on Facebook:

- If we could change our status, we'd be "In a relationship" with "Winning"." by Trek Bicycle

Leopard Trek Training Camp Video

And to get you all in the mood as the behind the scene vids from Leopard Trek are always pretty inspiring and awesome, here's latest mini doco inside their training camp, a great insight into what’s been happening:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jn0FF1KwL4I

Tour de France Competition #tdf133 - The Prizes

2011-06-28T21:37:00.002+10:00

Well, the prizes are sorted. Details of how the comp #tdf133 is going to work is here.

1st prize - Tim Kolln's the Peloton + Herbie Sykes' Maglia Rosa. Click here and here for more details.

2nd & 3rd prize - The generous folk at Aprés Velo are offering one 'Work of Art' T-shirt for each of these placegetters. Aprés Velo "cranked out in 2006 to fill a gaping void within the cycling industry’s casual clothing offering. Incredibly, the grand and noble sport of cycling seemed to have no "after cycle" wear with street cred. Thus began Apres Velo, which is French for "After Cycle". Our designs cover a broad cross section of attitudinal and quirky graphics, geared towards Bitumen and Bituchix (roadies), non-polluters (commuters), and dirty dudes & dudettes (MtBers)…..something to suit all bike-fixated obsessives." Check out their fab range here. And here's one of the shirts you could win:

Aprés Velo

4th prize - One year's subscription to The Peloton magazine*.

5th prize - Ultimate Cycling Boxset DVD Prize Pack - Overcoming, Hell on Wheels, A Sunday in Hell

6th prize - Your choice of cycling cap generously offered by Richard Lee from Bikes, Books, Beers (and also Cycling Art). Check out the selection of caps (from Galstudio on the side bar) and choose which one you'd want to win. I personally think they're the best cycling caps going around.

Bikes, Books & Beers

7th prize - A collection of oils for the cyclist from La Gazetta Della Bici's Oil Range La Clinica Amano. Simon's got some special cyclist oils for the winner- meanwhile check out his new oil range here. Here's what Bill Strickland had to say about the oils you could win.

La Clinica A mano

8th prize The Peloton (as above) but a year's digital subscription.

Voter's prizes

1st prize - A cap of your choosing from Bikes, Books and Beers (as above)

2nd prize - Really cool green, polka dot, yellow jersey themed coffee mugs from lookmumnohands. See them here
3rd prize - A copy of 'How I Won the Yellow Jumper' by Ned Boulting. Review here.

(*If a US winner, I will send another prize with this one)

(**might need to "work something out" if you don't have an all region dvd player etc and you live outside of Region 4)

Inside the Tour - seasoned TV cycling journalist/presenter

2011-06-24T16:39:00.001+10:00

Think pioneers of modern cycling in Australia, and you’ll probably think Stuart O’Grady, Robbie McEwen, Cadel Evans etc. But you should also think: SBS. Mike Tomalaris sums it up in a recent blog post to launch Cycling Central’s brand spanking new website:

“we like to think we’ve been responsible for changing the television viewing habits of Australians around cycling, particularly every July since the "Aussie invasion" to the professional peloton started some 15 years ago.”

While there’s now an even larger hard working team behind and in front at Cycling Central, for years Mike was the lone 'handsome' face of Australian cycling. He saw its potential probably long before network execs at the home of soccer did – and still fights in its corner. Tourdecouch threw a few questions to Tomo, who’s covered the Tour since 1996, to get a better look inside the tour.

TDC: So when are you off to the Tour? Do the SBS crew all fly together?

MT: The SBS crew does travel together for the most part and we literally hit the ground running when we arrive in France Wednesday morning. This year the drive from Paris airport to the Vendee region (the location for the Grand Depart) is some six hours, so after 24 hours in the air, the day of arrival is usually spent behind the wheel of the cars we will use for the month of July.

TDC: We know riders would get nervous before taking part in the Tour, how about yourself? What do you feel:

MT: I don't necessarily get nervous because there's so much to do in the days before our first broadcast. Making TV for an Australia-wide audience with a crew of just six is time-consuming. The technical aspects of ensuring the pictures are correctly beamed to the other side of the world are significant while the logistics of setting up for the day-to-day operations are equally important.

We rent space in a truck which is our "office" for the Tour's three week duration. This truck follows the Tour every day and can be found in a compound directly behind the finish line reserved for the world's electronic media covering the race.

Our job in the hours before the first day's coverage is making sure EVERYTHING is in place.

TDC: Describe an average work day there

MT: The work isn't hard. I like to think I have a professional team around me. Besides, all involved in the SBS coverage, whether on location or in the control room at the Sydney headquarters, are genuinely passionate about the sport and the race itself.

The hours, however are long, especially for us on location. You have to remember SBS' modern-day coverage caters for the demands from various departments. Apart from screening live pictures and morning and evening updates and highlights, there's the needs required for the Cycling Central website and the nightly news service. Throw in the numerous radio crosses and blogs and you soon realise the work load starts to stack up. Since doing my first Tour in 1996 I have taken on the role of driving the crew vehicle. After almost four weeks of driving the distances covered averages out around to around 7,000km.

TDC: What do you do when we're all watching the race are you off filing stories etc,do you get to see any of it?

MT: If there is a "down-time" it's when the race is on. This the time of day we get a quick bite to eat for lunch and plan ahead for features to be shot and scripted for future programmes. It's also the time of day when I normally find an adequate location at the finish line to shoot links for the 6pm highlights show.

I must stress we always have an eye on the race for the scripted voices I provide and send for the nightly news the following day.

TDC: I can imagine on the day you're leaving to come home from France there'd be a sense of relief it's over, but do you suffer post tour lows?

MT: It's very strange the different moods and feelings one goes through when following and working on a three week sporting marathon which takes you to a different location every day. From my experiences I find exhaustion starts to kick-in at around stage 11 or 12. There are times when I awake in my hotel bed (wherever it may be), look to the ceiling and murmur to myself "I don't wanna play this game anymore." Once you break through that initial barrier you can see the finish line, and after nearly three weeks and think "We're almost there." But you know, after we've packed up and farewelled our foreign colleagues, that's when the realisation of not coming back kicks in. Strangely, when I'm on the plane for the flight home the feeling is one of "Gee, I could go another three weeks!"

TDC: So imagine you’re 80. What moment do you think you’ll recall the most?

MT: Personally, the entire 15-year journey has been memorable for me - that's why I keep going back. I can honestly say there has not been one day since 1996 when I have been disappointed. I love television and I love the Tour and I'm so grateful to have been part of the development process which has taken the SBS coverage to where it is today. The network's dedication to the event has done wonders in terms of changing the viewing habits of its audience. More people have taken to bikes, more people are watching according to the viewing rating numbers, and more people appreciate there's more to TV sport than the staple stuff that is served up in July by other networks.

TDC: Do you think you'd ever go the Tour if you weren’t working on it?

MT: Definitely. But the way I'd do it is to take my bike and be part of a tour group that rides in the morning and watches each stage from the comfort of a lounge in bar or cafe in quiet village. I stress that I wouldn't be anywhere near the race itself - far away as possible from the Tour's madding crowds. That would be bliss.

It's probably best to reveal the worst part of covering the Tour and while the mountain stages is where the race is either won or lost for everyone associated with the race it's a frustrating nightmare. The huge crowds that assemble on the narrow mountain roads, the tight security and the cramped space at the finish line makes it very difficult. It also means you're guaranteed to be stuck in a "car park" in the late evening hours after the stage with the hundreds of thousands of spectators who are also trying to get off the same summit.

TDC: Finally, why do you ride? Briefly describe how it feels.

MT: This might sound corny but for me there's nothing better than being in a bunch and feeling the breeze in your face and the warmth of the sun's rays on your shoulders. I've been riding a bike for 10 years (only started riding after covering cycling) - it keeps me young and fit and eliminates the "love handles" I couldn't get rid of when I wasn't training on two wheels.

Next time - Rupert Guinness answers Tourdecouch's questions.

Le Tour Fever - Final Rider List

2011-06-21T09:33:00.022+10:00

Announcements so far, all in the one place:

AG2R-Mondiale

Maxime Bouet
Hubert Dupont
John Gadret
Sébastien Hinault
Blel Kadri
Sébastien Minard
Jean-Christophe Peraud
Scrap Christophe
Nicolas Roche

Astana

Alexandre Vinokourov

Rémy Di Gregorio

Dmitriy Fofonov

Andriy Grivko

Maxim Iglinsky

Roman Kreuziger

Paolo Tiralongo

Tomas Vaitkus

Andrey Zeits

BMC
Brent Bookwalter
Marcus Burghardt
Cadel Evans
George Hincapie
Amael Moinard
Steve Morabito
Ivan Santaromita
Manuel Quinziato
Michael Schar

Cofidis
Mickael Buffaz
Samuel Dumoulin
Leonardo Duque
Julien El Fares
Tony Gallopin
David Moncoutié
Rein Taaramae
Tristan Valentin
Romain Zingle

Europcar

Anthony Charteau
Cyril Gautier
Yohann Gene
Vincent Jerome
Christophe Kern
Perrig Quemeneur
Pierre Rolland
Sébastien Turgot
Thomas Voeckler

Euskaltel-Euskadi
Samuel Sánchez
Egoi Martínez
Gorka Verdugo
Amets Txurruka
Rubén Pérez
Iván Velasco
Alan Pérez
Pablo Urtasun
Gorka Izagirre

FDJ
William Bonnet
Sandy Casar
Mickael Delage
Arnold Jeannesson
Gianni Meersman
Remi Pauriol
Anthony Roux
Jeremy Roy
Arthur Vichot

Garmin-Carvelo
Tom Danielson
Julian Dean
Tyler Farrar
Ryder Hesjedal
Thor Hushovd
David Millar
Ramunas Navardauskas
Christian Vande Velde
David Zabriskie

HTC-Highroad

Lars Bak

Mark Cavendish

Bernhard Eisel

Matt Goss

Tony Martin

Danny Pate

Mark Renshaw

Tejay VanGarderen

Peter Velits

Katusha
Pavel Brutt
Denis Galimzyanov
Vladimir Gusev
Mikhail Ignatiev
Vladimir Isaychev
Vladimir Karpets
Alexander Kolobnev
Egor Silin
Yuriy Trofimov

Lampre
Leonardo Bertagnolli
Grega Bole
Matteo Bono
Damiano Cunego
Danilo Hondo
Denys Kostyuk
David Loosli
Adriano Malori
Alessandro Petacchi

Leopard-Trek
Andy Schleck
Frank Schleck
Fabian Cancellara
Linus Gerdemann
Maxime Monfort
Jakob Fuglsang
Jens Voigt
Stuart O’Grady
Joost Posthuma

Liquigas-Cannondale
Ivan Basso

Maciej Bodnar

Paolo Longo Borghini
Kristijan Koren

Daniel Oss
Maciej Paterski

Fabio Sabatini
Sylvester Szmyd

Alessandro Vanotti

Movistar
Jose Joaquin Rojas
David Arroyo
Imanol Erviti
Ivan Gutierrez
Benat Intxausti
Fran Ventoso
Rui Costa
Andrey Amador
Vasil Kiryienka

Omega Pharma-Lotto

Philippe Gilbert
André Greipel
Sebastian Lang
Jurgen Roelandts
Marcel Sieberg
Jurgen Van den Broeck
Jurgen Van de Walle
Jelle Vanendert
Frederik Willems

Quickstep
Tom Boonen
Sylvain Chavanel
Gerald Ciolek
Kevin De Weert
Dries Devenyns
Addy Engels
Jérôme Pineau
Gert Steegmans
Niki Terpstra

Rabobank Cycling Team
Carlos Barredo
Lars Boom
Robert Gesink
Juan Manuel Garate
Bauke Mollema
Grischa Niermann
Léon Sanchez
Laurens ten Dam
Maarten Tjallingii

Radioshack
Jani Brajkovic
Chris Horner
Markel Irizar
Andreas Klöden
Levi Leipheimer
Dmitriy Muravyev
Sérgio Paulinho
Yaroslav Popovych
Haimar Zubeldia

Saur - Sojasun

Jérôme Coppel

Anthony Delaplace

Jimmy Engoulvent

Arnaud Coyot

Jérémy Galland

Jonathan Hivert

Fabrice Jeandesboz

Laurent Mangel

Yannick Talabardon

Saxo Bank Sungard
Alberto Contador
Jesus Hernandez
Dani Navarro
Benjamin Noval
Richie Porte
Chris Anker Sørensen
Nicki Sørensen
Matteo Tosatto
Brian Vandborg

Sky
Edvald Boasson Hagen
Juan Antonio Flecha
Simon Gerrans
Christian Knees
Ben Swift
Geraint Thomas
Rigoberto Uran
Bradley Wiggins
Xabier Zandio

Vacansoleil-DCM Pro Cycling Team
Borut Bozic
Thomas De Gendt
Romain Feillu
Johnny Hoogerland
Bjorn Leukemans
Marco Marcato
Wout Poels
Rob Ruijgh
Lieuwe Westra

#tdf133 - the Tour in 133 characters or less

2011-06-18T07:58:00.007+10:00

Sometimes long and winding analysis is unneccessary. Short definitely seems sweeter if it means winning a prize and being part of the general Tour buzz.

I've been thinking for a while now of a feature for my blog where people contribute by summing up the stage or race of a major cycling event with a simple tweet. So I'm launching it in time for this year's TDF. To celebrate, I'm backing it up with some prizes.

Firslty though, here's some examples that inspired me to think of this idea
"echelon bashfest in the desert" (@nicodonnell tweeted about a stage in last year's Tour of Qatar)
"Cunego's camera-moto driver is descending with poop-filled leather pants." (from @NYVC_snark_cast about the other day's stage of the Tour de Suisse - so, this one was more commentary not summary, but you get my drift as to what I'm looking for as this pretty much summed up that stage).

Competition Details:
Tweet your description after each stage of the Tour and use hashtag #tdf133. That's 140 characters minus the hashtag topic. (You have to use the hastag or I won't see it. No @replies coz that gives u less characters unless you're super brief). You will need to tweet by the following times in your region (I hope I have got them kind of right):

Australian Eastern Standard Time - 12 noon of next day after the stage you're tweeting about
France part of the Continent - 4am of the next day after the stage you're tweeting about
UK - by 3am of the next day's after the stage you're tweeting about
America/Canada - East side - 10pm of the same day as the stage you're tweeting about (I think?)
America/Canada - West side - 7pm of the same day as the stage you're tweeting about

This time gives non European viewers who can't watch it live the chance to watch the highlights and tweet - and it falls at my lunch time so I can read them all.

A stage winner for every stage up until and including stage 19 will be announced on my blog about 4-5 hours later so you'll know the winner before the next stage (unless it's a rest day, but I'll still put it up the same time). Each stage winner goes into the final 19 and then it's up to the voters. Stages 20-21 will not be part of the comp as I want to give people enough time to look at the finalists' tweets and vote so the prize winners can be announced either on the final day or the day after (to be finalised).

Voting and voters prizes
Voting starts after the 19th stage and when the blog post is up for the 19 finalists. All voters will go into the draw for prizes. Unfortunately, I'm not knowledgable enough to have voting/entry forms on this site, so you'll have to enter by emailing me at tourdecouch@gmail.com UPDATE: you can vote by either emailing me, or also in the comments using your twitter url as an id - or other option there. Anonymous votes in the comments will not be counted. Voters will be put in a list and randomly selected.

Prizes
Details of prizes are here.

300 words thrown together today on why I love the Tour and cycling for a comp I won't win

2011-06-15T23:57:00.002+10:00

Late one night, July 2005, I changed channels to SBS. In my insomniatic haze, I was instantly hypnotised by the colours of the peloton, riders moving as one; all of it like flying, all of it freedom. I was hooked.

I got back on the bike after many years and when I sped down my first hill with a big goofy grin on my face, I felt exactly like when I rode as a kid. Liberated. You talk to people who don't ride and hear the requests they throw out car windows to 'get off the road,' and you realise: 'they just don't get it, and they probably never will.'

'We' know there's nothing like it. Yes, sex is pretty good. But then you climb your first real hill alone, up a sizeable gradient. You tell yourself, focus on your tempo, picture your feet turning perfect circles, finish the bottom of the pedal stroke with a mud scrape like flourish. There is rhythm in your pain. You reach it; the summit, and that feeling you've never experienced before and never will off the bike. Not a sense of accomplishment so much as meaning of life type 'stuff'.

The Tour kidnapped my imagination and wooed me to cycling. Even with the shadows, I love the beautiful athletes who'll leave Vendee July 2 not knowing whether they'll make the torturous three weeks. What they do know is that's all they'd rather do.

I'm technically not French, but even before 2005, Beef Bourguignon ran through my veins. I prefer the Classics for racing but there's just 'something' about the Tour. It's the diary I never kept and the places I missed while I was in France. Most of all, it's an excuse to eat calorific food like duck fat and watch Romain Duris DVDs,again.

A year's supply of bread-Shaftesbury Cycle Revival

2011-06-13T09:06:00.005+10:00

It may not be the Kapelmuur but riders found the going just as hard. And to the rider who climbed up the fastest went the spoils - a year's supply of bread courtesty of Hovis.

The Gold Hill Honk is not only the noise you'd make if you saw Victoria Pendleton naked (or clothed) eating Hovis atop a hill but is also one of the two races at the inaugural Shaftesbury Cycle Revival.

The Honk saw 120 road and mountain bike riders sprint up Gold Hill, made famous by Ridley Scott's 1970s Hovis advert. In this advert, the kid pushes the bike up the hill, as did many today.

The other race, the Shaftesbury Shooter the website says is a "mixed terrain short course urban downhill event ideal for dirt or jump bikes - a downhill rig won't get round the corners."

I found out about this little gem of an event via tweep Paul Sloper. He let me use some of his pics. From the looks of it, some took it a bit more seriously than others.

This probably would've been an even better story if I told you who won or if I could've found a shot of the winners with their novelty size bread. But indicative of how awful conditions were for the riders, Paul didn't hang around to find out who won either of the events. The event website also does not have the results yet, but stay tuned. For more of Paul's photos from today, click here, and to see his other shots, including from this year's Track Worlds, click here.

Le Tour Fever - the Rooster

2011-06-10T09:54:00.000+10:00

La Caravane du Coq by lecoqsportif

The return of the Gallic Rooster. Like innrng says 'the better story is probably much more to do with Le Coq Sportif’s arrival than the end of the Nike deal.'

There are many better stories in this beautiful sport.

Stepping off the (blogging) turbo

2011-03-22T08:39:00.002+11:00

I recently had a few exciting - and in my opinion only, good - ideas recently about where I want to take my blog, changing the look etc,and what I want it to be. But with some other stuff going on in life now and it unlikely to change soon it will be and is too much of a chore - I'm simply not enjoying blogging anymore. So,see ya later.

I might appear now and again at La Gazzetta Della Bici or at a posterous or tumblr site along with other writing if I ever feel in the mood. As I own a tourdecouch domain name I may rethink this in a few weeks,months,later in the year or for much longer but it's all too much for me right now. (or if I feel moved enough, post back on this one).

I just want to write. At the wrong time in my life,I can't handle all the other stuff that goes with this, and I don't want something that gives me enjoyment to make me feel bad about myself.

Add to this some other things that I don't have the energy or time to not make me despondent - such as what appears to be the norm in some cycling circles/cycling media (all mediums). It's foolish of me to think this "world" would be any different to others, but it appears there is no break from it all, wherever you turn. No,it's not just the doping talk. It's self righteousness, arrogance,and laziness expressed as and taken as gospel. It's too hard not to also get caught up in it all and contribute to it. And it's becoming awfully hard to parody; there is simply too much material to keep up with.

I thank all of you who regularly read the blog,told me you did,and gave me excellent regular feedback-constructive,positive or otherwise. I can see from the last few months worth of stats more people read my blog than I realised. You who gave feedback though made me see it wasn't as awful as I thought. I also am astounded anyone (people I respect) referred me from their own sites. I thank you all too. An extra highlight this year was an ex elite tracky telling me my 'on the boards' piece gave her goosebumps. She should know,right?

I could be tempted to see this as a cop out or a failure. But in coming to this decision, a quote from a mate and blogger will always make me think otherwise. "I don’t believe in the art of suffering, because I don’t believe we cyclists suffer. We can always step off our bikes."

See you when I get the passion back.

That's So Couch - bad cow puns, underwhelming performances and press conferences

2011-03-02T14:14:00.004+11:00

Team Leopard Trek (TLT) press conference:

Journalist Question (JQ) - other than the drinks, why are we here?

TLT - we're pleased to be unveiling the smallest sponsor recognition ever

Enovos spokesperson "it is everything we thought and were told it was going to be. You can barely see it....where is it even on the shorts? Wow, lucky Team Leopard Trek haven't even podiumed yet or other teams' sponsors would be dead jealous."

TLT - '...and we've still got loads of room left on the rest of the kit" (team spokesperson shakes his head in a "how do we do it" type way).

JQ -So, the team's thoughts on Contador?

TLT - Not this question again. I refer to my previous answers - you know by tattling on your friends, you're really just tattling on yourself. By tattling on your friends, you're just telling them that you're a tattletale. Now is that the tale you want to tell?

JQ - But what about results - a couple of media outlets have been writing some pretty good pieces asking - where you guys been e.g. Cycling Central, Boulder Report, Cycling News.

TLT: Alone, we can only move buckets. But if we work together, we can drain rivers.

JQ - what?

TLT - OK - Well, I can reveal the guys have had a team meeting Frank had a couple of ideas about maybe he or some of the others could probably win something before April and July, but..you know..then Andy said HE or Fabian probably could - it's hard on Frank, he's been battling with some demons, you know, as to his role on the team - Marcia-Andy-Fabian-Marcia - that sort of thing.

JQ: So, what's next for Leopard? A great performance at Paris-Nice?

TLT - Maybe. But we'll be holding a press conference on how Andy brushes his hair and revealing the zany results after Fabu gets hit by a football

The tape recorder of self righteousness -Kimmage is back

Kimmage humbly asked Zomegnan -who just finished explaining how many tests the Giro conducted last year (which in oz is about $700 per urine test,$1000ish for blood too) why the hell does he allow people like Basso and Vino back in this event and why is Zomegnan sitting there in front of images of these guys and pretending like the sport's moved on. I had filing to do so couldn't hang around for the answer but I just bet Zomegnan bleated something back that was cancerous to the sport.

Here's some questions we probably won't be hearing from the investigative journalist:

To ASOPROVAC - I'll make it easier for you, how can u claim the pack is drug free when there's so little testing? 0.25% of the bloody cow population? I mean, for f*k's sake, this is people's food we're talking about, not some bloody bike race.

I just can't believe you when you say you didn't dope just because you never failed a doping control -answer

Pendleton is not hungry (AKA, first round in Tourdecouch's Australian London 2012 track trash talk)

Recent reports suggest Pendleton's lost her appetite. Any wonder

Tweet of the week (and matching picture) via @brassyn

"A disappointed Andre cares not for a donkey in the face."

Love song and dedication to Alberto - pistolero vaca (AKA Cow Tse Tung)

Check out the lyrics, how was the song not written for this man.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQMbXvn2RNI

Just a comment I'd leave at Cycling Central if it wasn't so big

2011-02-28T22:33:00.004+11:00

I read this post by Mike Tomalaris and all the backlash he's been getting on Twitter for it, not to mention the comments underneath. I also was again discouraged by opening my timeline this morning and seeing more mob anti doping talk. So this is the comment I'd like to leave myself but it's too big a comment.

I have had many a chuckle over the past couple of weeks. A larger chunk of the RFEC decision was leaked (larger than the original that leaked) on the intertubes a week or two before this Fotheringham article. I chuckled at the bloggers and cycling fans - armed with their wanking socks - immediately turning to google translate to analyse it. Many admitted they could’ve got the translations wrong, ‘but surely’ (of course) they said or some such. Many just ignored what RFEC actually said or analysed it incorrectly. Some preferred others to do the filtering for them – bloggers and journos with also little knowledge of law or Spanish. Mostly, they used google translate or these bloggers and journalists to see their sports belief systems reflected back at them – only to ignore the fact that RFEC acknowledged WADA were far from comprehensive or contemporaneous in evidence collection and there looked like there was real doubt as to Contador’s negligence, let alone purposeful ingestion.

What also seemed to be largely ignored by many in the media and on sports blogs at the time (and before the Independent article) was Contador saying to the media that WADA et al would have hard time at CAS given RFEC’s actual decision. And it’s not hard to see why. One example, spelt out better by Contador’s lawyer to a journo who actually bothered to ask what the other side had to say was only 0.25% of Spain’s entire cow population is actually tested for clenbeuterol – 99.75% are not. (Yes, 0.25% is still actually a lot of cow).

This is not someone’s sister’s gardener’s wife’s nephew being on the inside and telling us this was political skullduggery, it’s not thousands of people in the media or on twitter caricaturing a country and its political processes and legal system. Simply - this would get thrown out in a normal court of law.

For some reason, sport's doping rules is expected to have a different burden of proof to most nations' criminal law. (This isn’t actually totally the case in even the WADA code, many athletes have tried to prove they weren’t negligent or didn’t intentionally dope, and were heard by their federation - but weren’t actually able to establish enough doubt or proof). Above the law of sovereign countries, countries riders reside and pay tax in are protected by, despite any conditions they signed up to be a part of the sport. But how can a sport’s code be seemingly above all other law? (which is actually all the PM said, if you look at his tweet, he chose his words carefully).

Especially when cycling and its riders even in recent months, embraces the law it wants to be above, when it comes to things such as contracts, defamation, tax, industrial relations – just to name a few.

But this isn’t even why I’m choosing to comment today.

In a previous life, I met and was involved in the aftermath of a case involving a woman convicted of murder. Statistics were paraded around by an expert witness who said it wasn’t possible (something like 1 in a few million) subsequent children could suffer from cot death. This expert witness was later struck off, and her conviction thankfully overturned. At the time and on the face of it, you’d think – she’s a murderer. Noone thought, what if this lady’s innocent, imagine how much pain and grief and suffering she must be going through, yet here she is convicted of murder.

On the face of it – without even properly translating and analysing the entire RFEC decision, people are assuming Alberto has done this.

Does this mean I think Alberto didn't do it? How would I know, I’m not with him 24/7. But it doesn’t matter.

But look how silly it is to even compare the two. Yet, some are screeching on and on like Contador has killed THEIR children…or a beloved kitten. It astounds me that the people I respect and follow on social media are liberal about everything in other areas of society and their lives – even their own questionable ethics, everything except the policing of doping in sport.

If they were like that lady and their child died of cot death, and they knew it, but they were convicted of murder, they’d want to afford themselves of the law available to them. Our law too also says even the guilty are entitled to their day in court.

But for some reason, this must be magically overturned when it comes to doping.

I’ve had to listen to people – including journalists, riders personally attacking proven or suspected dopers. – it’s been so bad, it’s moved me to change my views in the last few months of other riders I still don’t respect a lot of things they have done, but at least as a rider and at least could admit I’d love to have a drink with them.

The mob scream at Ricco and Contador and wipe tears away from their eyes when they recall Mercx winning something or other – forgetting he too failed tests – and for some reason Tom Simpson – as sadly addicted as Ricco allegedley – is cloyingly idolised and worshipped, even by the likes of Wiggins, yet Ricco he treats worse than dog poo. And the fans can’t forgive Contador for attacking Schleck on a mechanical – again, they recall history and yesteryear, without actually recalling history correctly – even if you look at just the 50s-70s, only one or two riders didn’t attack even on accidents – or they cite how selfish he was for not waiting for Kloden – again, look back in history – what DS would tell their number 1 rider, in super form and desperate to attack – to come back and help one of their riders who was going backwards just to podium 3 riders.

Noone’s asking – not even WADA it seems – why people are endangering themselves with things like clenbeuterol. There is still no known study that has shown there is any performance enhancing benefit for humans. Weight loss, yes, but it’s literally designed to make cows have more meat, not humans. Why are riders even using it? That’s the bigger tragedy.

It’s time to realise this is sport. An activity humans have played as part of – and a reflection of its society – for thousands of years. It’s not Disney land (even it has its problems and questionable history). People will stuff up like they do in other parts of society.

It's this hypocrisy and ridiculousness that will push me away from the sport, not riders who dope/allegedly dope.

On the Boards

2011-02-10T09:52:00.003+11:00

(as published on La Gazzetta Della Bici)

For just over four minutes, a black train chases a red one along the track; an endless, silent rumble over sixty kilometres worth of Baltic pine.

“YES,” the first WA rider screams as he peels off the front and up the 42 degree banking a metre or two away from me. It’s time, their first change. He lingers, then fluidly finds his place at the back. I take a deep breath as he narrowly misses the third rider’s wheel. But of course he was never going to touch it.

I struggle to remember seeing something as glorious. Cancellara twice riding past me towards another time trial rainbow undoubtedly comes close. He skilfully rode along the barriers down a haunted Pakington Street, shielding himself from the Geelong wind. Any one of us could’ve coat-hangered him without fully extending an arm. Instead, we gasped at his strength and the definition of his massive muscles.

But here, there’s something else; the choreography, the silence, the intimacy. I’m part of the rhythm as two teams of four riders in their states’ lycra livery fly past me as one. They all know where they need to be and what comes next; the sporting equivalent of finishing off each other’s sentences.

A colleague told me earlier “Go down there Rach,” pointing to the closest seating to the track, atop the steepest bank. I looked down, I looked back up. She smiled knowingly at the reaction on my face.

I had fallen in love with track racing just two days ago, my first visit. Like tonight, I hadn’t planned to go. The Dunc Gray Velodrome is oddly located and hard to get to on public transport. On Wednesday I was not going to miss new 4km pursuit world record holder Jack Bobridge take on Rohan Dennis in the flesh.

I was privileged enough to be in the middle. Close up, a face and body I’d only seen in magazines powered out of the gate, all puffed out cheeks, and veins looking for escape out his neck and legs. Jack ultimately donned the green and gold fleece, but Rohan had him at every important time check but the last.

Despite the dizziness, I savoured the moments and images of the middle: ice vests on resting riders, churning powerade/Gatorade slushie makers, topless riders warming up or cooling down on the rollers; tyre pumps, starter’s guns and medal ceremonies piercing the calm.

I met a few of the riders too. I don’t cry when I meet sportspeople. Of course I utter the obligatory girlie “eek” internally but crying is for Bieber fans. But I was overtired. I started thinking in black and white cycling postcards and of myself in many years time. I whispered to myself “I met Jack Bobridge,” and I started to cry.

Now, Kaarle McCulloch is riding right in front of me on the banking. She’s wearing her usual costume: large reflective glasses and Casco track helmet. She is magnificent; an ethereal wasp.

She rides behind Anna Meares in their sprint heat. Anna looks behind at Kaarle for an entire lap. It is one thing to know that of course a world champion track rider is an exceptional bike handler; it’s another amazing thing altogether to actually see her weave slowly and effortlessly up and down the steepest part of the track without looking, taunting Kaarle. They track stand. Everyone cheers. They sprint home side by side, generating volts of energy to produce a result with barely a wheel in it.

I can’t get enough of this. How is this not popular? I know it used to be. I’ve seen old pictures of crowds in Australian velodromes, some with so many people they are seated in the middle instead of the riders and the teams.

Apparently track cycling is becoming scarily dire. I don’t know how or why nor do I have any answers. Perhaps the solution lies in beer and flashing lights like Ghent and Berlin. But tonight, these men and women don’t need romantic aids like liquour and pretty lights to woo me; their efforts and feats are the spectacle.

Grand things lie ahead for some of the riders here this week; perhaps the boards in London, snow capped mountains in Europe, or the cobbled roads in Flandrian fields. But for all who rode, the Dunc Gray Baltic pine will forever whisper.

(This is a story about the 2011 Australian National Track Championships. These photos were taken on the first night I went, I don’t have any from the second. For full results and photo galleries of the 2011 Australian National Track Championships, visit here )

Jack

I went, I saw, and I felt a world record holder...and another World Champion – Josephine Tomic, who just won the Australian title for the women’s individual pursuit

..and another World Champion, Anna Meares

…time to stop being handsy and borrow a camera. Kaarle McCulloch teams up with former Matildas soccer player, Cass Kell for the Team sprint.

Anna teams up with Stephanie Morton

Podium shots

Justice!

2011-02-10T05:09:00.001+11:00

That's such Schleck*

2011-02-01T23:07:00.005+11:00

BFFNR - Best friends forever no returns

(Bettini on Cycling News site)

Schleck said last week about how the hug atop the mystical and romantic Tourmalet meant nothing and:

“I have my arm on his shoulder, but I am not doing anything. It was his way of saying, look, we are friends”

Translation -

I couldn't help it, I couldn't fight him off, I didn't want his Spanish cooties. Frank almost got them once, and he paid for it.

So all these moments too were just for the camera and the sponsors?

As you can see, Andy's words hurt Alberto:

(AFP)

In response he said in a press conference this week:

" Oh Andy, you came and you bought me deep fried turkey...
Oh Andy, how I wish you had brought me a turkey, on that rest day instead, I had beef-y"

(to the tune of this song )

But surely Schleck* is full of schleck and Schlecking us all? Like someone said this week in regards to this photo (I can't remember who, sorry if it was you and I haven't credited you) he managed to fight off this unwanted attention from a handsy fan. This guy could take Alberto surely.

(Reuters)

Was he just being polite to Specialized to give them photos until Schleck switched to Trek (but then August happened)? How good are the words of the Schlecks? Who knows, they're always doing it, not just about Berty.

Andy Schleck on Sastre and his own performance in TDF 2008, January 17, 2011:

"Yeah he won the Tour once but the years before and after that he was far from the podium.It was a fluke year and he had good teammates and although he won't say it he won the Tour because of us."

Andy Schleck on Sastre and his own performance in TDF 2008, 23 July 2008

it’s been a good Tour so far and I showed also some weakness which some others didn’t and that’s why I’m so far down in the general classification now. But I’m optimistic and I’m really happy to finish third today here, on Alpe d’Huez. I mean, I think I showed something and nobody else could have followed Carlos today. He was incredibly strong and also really confident when he had to be. When he left us, nobody could really do anythin

Here's what they said about Cancellara signing with them in October 2010:

(from this quarter's RIDE mag)

"(on 19 October 2010) That day Andy Schleck told L'Equipe that Cancellara wasn't going to join his team "I think he's going to BMC," he said. Two and a half weeks later...the Schleck brothers reiterated that Cancellara hadn't signed, Frank added, "not yet".

But this is what happened (also from the same RIDE article)

But, according to Le Quotidien du Luxembourg, Cancellara signed his contract in the morning of 22 September."

So maybe Andy doesn't mean it also when he said Contador really won in 2010?

Well, they weren't even straight with Jens. They said, Jens, we will give you a lovely new Leopard branded Trek like this:

But this is what they are making him ride instead:

Scarf wars

(Sorry for heavy on the Leppard this week, but they do give lots of material)

A fellow tweep, @brassyn again alerted me to the next episode of a new series, I fully credit Scarf Wars to her!

(from this website)

Basso outscarves Andy. And looks like he's nicked it off his wife or some random middle aged lady. Thor outscarves everyone by not wearing a scarf.

Frank outscarves Andy, and also remembers to do up his zip.

Contador before he was suspended, also got into the act:

and who could forget this shot across the bow last year

The Sword of ~~Self~~ Righteousness (and the Hit Squad of Talent)

Who knows what happened at Garmin or if the spin will ever be unspun. But what we do know is that JV and Dave Millar unleashed the Sword of Righteousness on the Hit Squad of Talent to make it even more pure. They are willing to sacrifice their bestie in their fight against doping, this on Cycling News

It’s like a hit squad with so many excellent guys here...My wife said this morning...‘you look like a proper cycling team’....but we’ve kept our spirit, our relaxed attitude and we don’t take ourselves too seriously. We’ve not gone corporate but we’ve got that global international level. Losing Whitey was horrible. He’s one of my best friends. It came as such a shock, it came at us hard and it’s going to affect us for a long time. He was such a loved figure in the team and so charismatic but you’ve got to move on and I think we’ve got a lot of good guys.”

(is it just me or does Millar's wife in that article implying she thought they were shit before Cervelo joined)

Stay tuned - is JV/DM really the Anti-doping Messiah, The One promised to come to us all and save cycling from itself?

The Pen (or Tape Recorder) of Self Righteousness

Not if Kimmage gets there first. Landis is HIS new bestie. He was even the one who persuaded Landis to announce his retirement from cycling. Listen to Kimmage being an objective journalist about Contador, Schleck and the UCI - he gets more and more objective as the interview goes on:

And you can find the transcript of the Landis/Kimmage interview here:

But it can be summed up in ten seconds by watching this:

* Schleck - according to Princeton can be a noun and a verb but means to talk through one's hat, speak insincerely without regard for facts or the truth.

Riding unaided

2011-01-23T07:59:00.005+11:00

John Galloway, of the Sofaboy Chronicles asked via twitter if people would like to comment on Lance as a round-up of opinions for his next podcast. As I have the face and not the voice for radio, I write it here.

Guilty? Innocent? Ultimately, it doesn’t matter. The cloying, unwavering credulity or the obsessive odium of many will not change this: people still have cancer, are depressed, struggling, addicted, poor, hurting, and/or tired. We are all on a journey to the finish line; there is no cure, and how can it -and ultimately, real hope- be found in a guy who was just lucky to survive cancer, who like us, is just lucky to ride a bike.

He's not there -nor any of my favourite riders or Directeurs Sportif - when I struggle to find time and energy to get out of bed to go for a ride let alone get up a hill. And he was definitely not there in that room while I watched a loved one vomit again and again, not just from the chemo, but because her body was on its way out.

To all the doping talk, including the forum troll doomsayers, I say this - I am not made disconsolate by yet another doping story or rumour, nor if alleged or admitted dopers rode right past me could I scrounge up enough hate to boo.

I have many reasons for my lack of despondency, most of them based on a sound and realistic view of sport's place - and its stars - in society.

But the main reason I was reminded of while out riding with my stepdaughter yesterday, who constantly bugs me to take her for a ride somewhere.

She has absolutely no idea who Lance Armstrong is or any other rider. She deals in generic terms like 'I want to be a bmx rider' or,pointing to someone in my cycling mags,'is that your favourite bike rider Rachie?'.

But I will never forget her face when she rode her first metres unaided. Nor will she.

That's So Couch - how leopard got its O back

2011-01-21T08:20:00.001+11:00

Caption of at least the week - from Cycling News (thanks @brassyn for pointing this out)

How the word leopard got its O Back

We all got schooled by a team who can speak English but can't tweet it real good - and the beacons of education, America (Trek - c'mon we've all seen series 4 of The Wire) about how us English speakers have been saying the word leopard incorrectly - for decades, if not centuries. Apparently we need to put the O back - oh yeah, and the a. Here's the background, in case you missed it.

But was it an internal memo that leaked or an email to all media? I understand it was an internal memo that leaked.Pretentious yes, but Cycling Weekly/Cyclosport made it sound like leopard trek were demanding the media use this language, not that it was just internal branding guidelines. If an internal memo, Cycling Weekly/Cyclosport, that paragon of cycling journalism, Assange like just HAD TO leak it because we needed to know how pretentious leopard trek are - not that the 36 hour launch/team presentation was a big hint.

This from a mag that tweeted in July 2010 we could no longer use the word bidon or any other French cycling word. Lots of English speaking cyclists have been using those terms for probably just as long as they've been saying "leppard." Pretentious?

Conspiracy theory or likely scenario for what's next re lance:

-Robbie McEwen stays in QLD after flying in Lance's jet for Twitter ride, Lance tells Anna he needs to fly quickly somewhere in Australia (or not far from Oz) but she should stay there, Lance's jet goes "missing", millions of people without cancer lose the will to live and to do charity work for cancer (well,without lance they can't,surely) still,donations and Lance love go thru the roof, investigation is called off, Lance and Wilson - the volleyball, not Owen - miraculously rescued.

Well, obviously a conspiracy theory

-The investigation ends, there is a trial, he is jailed - for three months - but for years we hear from his followers etc, the words he uttered when the bracelets were slapped on him -A Few Good Men style "All you did was weaken the universe's fight against cancer today, you put people's lives in danger" -

- neither conspiracy theory or likely scenario, but that is pretty much many people's sentiments

-nothing happens at all and we all still have to suffer the hypocritical tweets of Lance boys who continue to say nasty things about other riders "rumoured" to be dopers but with far less evidence or suspicion.

likely scenario

Disappointment of the month -

Coming from a team containing riders who have worn matching kitschy suits/outfits with their wives and rivals, who define the word Euro - and with the name Leopard - the absence of Eurovision trash tastica at the Leopard Trek launch and spots on the kit depressed me for at least a week.

Ridiculousness of the week - everyone going on about how fat Cav is. I'd like to be this fat - which even for a PRO is good for January:

(from HTC-Highroad Facebook page)

Tweet(s) of the week - Mark Renshaw -

Cav just wants to go home to be with @petatodd but he is stuck here looking at my ass

Cyclists/dopers/sports fans could all learn something from Keanu and Coca Cola:

The one where I defend Lance

2011-01-17T13:02:00.001+11:00

You know that I’m not a big Lance fan. Well, I actually now call it like or respect/dislike – sometimes the ratio for this is 30%/70% sometimes 10%/90% but I’ve read some things this week that prompted me to actually defend him. Yes, you read that correctly. These are just points to consider.

He actually never said his appearance fee for TDU was going to Livestrong, Rann’s office did. Why can’t he keep it – dude’s gotta eat, feed five kids, jet to upkeep and has won 7 tours.*
Regarding his appearance fee and the amount each year, why is this such a problem other than you just don’t like him? The economic impact in SA of the 2009 TDU alone has more than returned on the investment. However, I do think Cadel’s rainbows in 2010 and great sprinters/probably Robbie and Stuey’s final year this year deserves more kudos for 2010 and 2011 numbers. I have worked in a government agency where football teams were paid similar annual amounts with similar purposes in mind (not tourism of course, but you get my drift) and with similar economic benefits. Perhaps SA Govt could’ve negotiated better in regards to allegedly having to pay to use Livestrong for its hospital/research centre in addition to Lance’s fee or perhaps a “visit Adelaide” on the Radioshack kit for a year – surely what SA has paid is up there with Twitter – however, as it was an appearance fee just to Lance, then maybe that wasn’t on the table. Sure, I don’t like how the TDU and associated media coverage appears to be all about Lance at the expense of other and homegrown riders (e.g. noone’s making a big thing about it probably being the last one for Stuey and Robbie),but still.
As to his donation to the QLD flood appeal this is what some people had an issue with a) he should donate his entire appearance fee b) he should’ve kept quiet about the donation, perhaps consider this – a) did you donate YOUR entire wage this week, did Harvey Norman donate all his profits this week? b) Lance sure does tweet about a lot of things especially pertaining to brand Lance/cancer charity/image/PR or insults for latest investigation or court case, but he might not tweet that he helped out someone he knows who isn’t doing so great or that he donates to such and such a charity (and I don't just mean the UCI) – maybe he does think that is unseemly. However, when he does tweet about a donation (e.g. Haiti) perhaps he’s tweeting it to his 2 something million followers to create awareness so they too will donate. Sure, saying an amount might not seem cool, but he also has powerful and cashed up mates he could be challenging to make a similar or larger sized donation.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll go back to not defending him shortly.

*pending?

That's so Couch - Balls Up? Cut it Out

2010-11-12T09:17:00.007+11:00

- Robbie McEwen is continuing his love of rhyming and his kid's names. Firstly, Ewan McEwen, now he may or may not have officially changed his daughter's last name to Ballerina. If asked about what he will rhyme with Claudia, TourdeCouch could just hear him saying 'genius, her name may as well be purple or orange."

- Has Aldo Sassi unofficially opened up a Doper's Anonymous branch at the Mapei Centre for reformed dopers? First Basso and probably some of the others Sassi coaches...(hang on a minute!), now Thomas Frei Cobra who was there all week and saw a few ex dopers. "Hi my name's , and I'm not a real ginger." "Hi Cobra"

- Hard to know yet whether Alberto will join them too. Someone entitled to feel really annoyed if he doesn't even get 12 months is Italian rider Colo but someone who got royally screwed over is Fuyu Li. Pays to be a Spanish champion and make empty tantrumy threats about retirement.

- Not content with inventing Twitter, France and South Australia and having 2.6m followers for hisself,it appears Lance wants a chance to expose his third person - or rather, his First Ball - to the universe and is letting it speak via a Twitter account of its own. Take a read over both their timelines and their histories, maybe they aren't the same person, as there are a few differences: Juan likes swimming, running, doping and cycling, Lance just likes cycling, oh and winning; Lance likes budgie smugglers but Juan not so much, or did I get that the wrong way around; Lance liked the Olsen twins, Juan could only remember them as kids in Full House, a show he and his brother Segunda loved to watch together - Cut it Out is still a favourite joke of Juan's whereas Lance doesn't like it. Given Lance's fourth and fifth babies have had twitter accounts since they were zygotes, TourdeCouch wonders what's next. It is Movember and both of them are participating so perhaps it will be their beards or moustaches, perhaps @escrotogrispeludos. Imagine if Simone Lemond got told to "relax" by that.

- While TourdeCouch thinks there are deserving men so won't be upset if one of them wins the Scody People's Choice for Cyclist of the Year, I just hope people don't totally use their balls - or ball - to vote with as the women on that list had an amazing year too and at least consider this - why should a lesser or equal result or two in male races (just because their prestigious etc) be seen as amazing and theirs, not. Do yourself a favour and start genuinely getting into women's cycling, your balls will thank you - probably via their own twitter account.

That's So Couch - Shut Up, Pussies

2010-10-28T10:58:00.003+11:00

After an unhealthy triangular stoush this week between Simone Lemond, Watson and Armstrong, (summarized here if you missed it ) nobody still knows how or why “fool” appeared in the url. Click here, and you find out who seems to still be involved in his biz. Could they have had something to do with it? Somebody this week said Gra Gra shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds him. He quite clearly isn’t.

Another person said after 34 years on the back of a moto, taking photos, he’s no mo fo and he has a right to his IMO. Good call. After all, what is it Graham said “just a shame one cannot keep his mouth shut.”

Before he died, Paul the Octopus was asked the question by Mike Rann “When can we stop paying Lance to come to SA to ride in the TDU?” Mike Rann then told Paul's prediction to his Tourism minister who didn't tell anyone at Estimates. After Rann also asked Paul how long Lance would go to jail for, and how much longer would Rann’s government be in power, Paul began to look ill and before he died inked out the number 28. Months, years, alas, now we will never know, but either way, poor South Australia.

Jeremy Hunt is off to Sky. So is Pellizotti, apparently. So is Michael Rogers, um, no he’s not. After Wiggins', no I’m not, yes I am, I didn’t say that, oh, you have a tape, ok maybe I did, yes I am, not I’m not, events of last year, can Brailsford please spare us all?

The “Sort of better than Sexybank” award for nicknames of teams – 1. Garvelo (can’t remember where i saw that one, but i didn't make it up) 2. Well, not so much a nickname, but it’s sure to catch on - see this blog post of Phil Gomes’ on SBS Cycling Central - after all the whining from the Schlecks at this year’s TDF, I can’t help thinking he was dying to use another word for cat. Sure, they’ve got Jens and he’s tough, but even he got a bit uncharacteristically wussy this year complaining about the cobbles under the influence of the true cycling project posse. Shut up, Pussies?

Because he's retiring

2010-10-14T22:06:00.001+11:00

Koos Moerenhout

Palmares (from Wikipedia)

1994 1st, Overall, Tour de Liège

1996

1st, Overall, Circuit Franco-Belge

Winner Stage 1

Winner Points Competition

1st, Dokkum Woudenomloop

1997

1st, Stage 8, Rheinland-Pfalz Rundfahrt

Winner Mountain Competition

1998

1st, Profronde van Oostvoorne

1999

1st, Stage 4, Vuelta al País Vasco

Winner Mountain Competition

2000: 1st, Stage 1, Tour Down Under; 1st, Steenwijk; 2nd, National Road Race Championship
2003: 1st, Stage 4, Rheinland-Pfalz Rundfahrt
2004: 1st, Izegem; 2nd, National Road Race Championship
2005: 12th, Vuelta a España
2006: 1st, Zevenbergen & Geleen
2007: Dutch National Road Race Championship; 1st, Acht van Chaam
2009: Dutch National Road Race Championship; 1st, Stage 7, Tour of Austria
2010: 1st, Stage 3, Eneco Tour

Break

2010-08-11T16:23:00.000+10:00

Just in case people were wondering, I am on a break from blogging. Services will resume soon after I'm done regrouping. Stay tuned.

Meanwhile, here's what I enjoyed looking at today - love the jumps.

That's so couch/TDF

2010-07-16T16:50:00.004+10:00

The Millar Diaries:

Stage 9

Dear Diary

I told people I rode with hurt ribs and other bones because I don't think the cycling community is ready for the truth. I came 181st because: all 180 riders in front of me are dirty, dirty dopers. Not even the ones wearing the blue bracelets are clean. I'm the only clean rider in that dirty, dirty peloton.

The Bogan Bracelet - Wiggins nurtures his Aussie roots?

Speaking of another type of bracelet, Wiggins has been spotted wearing the, wait for it, The...Power...Balance...Band. Tourdecouch was intrigued as to what the Power Balance Band was and after googling found this on...The...Power...Balance...Band....website:

Power Balance is designed to work with your body's natural energy field. The hologram in Power Balance is designed to resonate with and respond to the natural energy field of the body.

Oh dear, it's starting to sound like a bit of a con. I discovered that even Today Tonight - an Australian tabloid current affairs TV program - says it's a bit of a con, and them saying something like that is the equivalent of Fox News supporting something Obama says.

I also found this link on the first results page of Google:

This says that only bogans, e.g. Australian rugby league footballers, wear the band. I quote from the website:
"in its unending quest to be as xtreme as possible, there is no gimmick too improbable, no shortcut too astounding, and no celebrity endorsement too smarmy for the bogan...Currently, the bogan is being lured by the promise of up to “500% more power, flexibility, and strength”. All from wearing a rubber wristband with holograms on it. Even the bogan is initially skeptical about such a claim, but its mind is instantly put at ease when it sees that there are celebrity sports stars endorsing it."

What is a bogan, non Australian readers ask? It's sort of like a chav, a pykey, a redneck.

When this was put to Wiggo he was appropriately surprised and said "I just didn't want to wear one of those f*king yellow or blue wrist bands."

Precious Pants

We've been startled by the accounts in the past ten days of the tour by the 'toughness' of the riders. Riders finishing gruelling stages with fractured elbows, ribs, penises, faces, and collarbones. They are very tough. Cyclists are tough enough to ride in these conditions but they can't ride on cobbles?

Frank Schleck said, no, they cannot. The ASO was 'playing with riders lives' by staging some of the tour in the Ardennes and on the cobbles.

Ex rider,Phil Anderson - who I'm pretty sure isn't an armchair critic hanging out in cycling forums while wearing no underpants using his PC - said "we rode cobbles all the time...we rode the alps, the pyrenees, and the cobbles, they're just being precious."

Tourdecouch said 'Frank, get thee to a spin class.'

The Tour isn't a Gladiator Arena

Barredo - reacting to being elbowed by Costa out on the road in the closing kilometres - decided to start something after that day's stage. We've all seen the footage and can clearly surmise that yes riders are tough, except when they are fighting. So we all laughed at these men in lycra trying to cause damage to each other with a front wheel and an open handed slap.

But these skills are obviously practised by riders, check this out:

QOTW

"Why do all PRO cyclists punch like cats on LSD' Simon Lamb, from popular blog La Gazetta Della Bici

Mark Renshaw's new title:
The Man in Front of the Man from the Isle of Man With a Little Too Much Man?

That's so couch/TDF -LA's Sheryl Crow impersonation, I come bearing gifts, WAG bra strikes

2010-07-09T09:27:00.001+10:00

Caption Competition

As it was nothing, and it is "irresponsible to say anything different" I haven't posted 'that' photo of a big scary monster bullying a skinny little kid. I'm also concerned they might ask me to take it down, as it was rumoured Twitter was asked to do. So here's my impressionist-esque view:

So, what was really being said:

a) Still waiting on the watch bitch...you even gave Horner one...

b) You didn't say anything to the feds about our coffee with the UCI tester last year did you? Did you?!!!
c) crash...crash....crash...CRASH
d) Grrr...your ad with Andy is WAY BETTER THAN ANY OF MINE - I WAS ROFL
e) shit Berty, I think a photographer just caught me in the middle of my 'Sheryl waking up in the morning' impersonation.Yeah, I know, it's pretty funny hey? Oh that's good too Pistolero, 'Noone's strong enough to be her man when she's like that' LOL.

Forget the captions, Astana and Radioshack had their own versions of what was said:

'Lance, via his Press Manager Mark Higgins, Armstrong told VeloNews he hadn’t spoken with Contador — not during Tuesday’s stage, nor at any other point during the Tour.'
'Contador’s press manager Jacinto Vidarte told VeloNews via email, “Alberto asked Lance about the fall the previous day, how he was — just a little conversation, both inquiring about the health of each other.”
“They didn’t talk here, but they talk in the race,” Bruyneel said.

First the cobbles, then the mind games - Alberto the all-arounder

(from SBS website)

He came bearing gifts. Lance said he didn't talk to him, he was in the middle of ahem, something else. Johan said it was a nice gesture and that Alberto has been messaging them to arrange the giving of the gifts all year, but didn't say what the gifts were. Fran said they were watches, like the ones he gave the rest of the team last year, but JB/LA missed out on getting theirs because they were at another party. Alberto's had a couple of times to give them their gifts, but he chose the Tour to do so, sans minders at the Radioshack bus, a couple of days after the cobbles stage, one stage after that photo, whether it wasn't what it appeared to be or not. Alberto's not just a good climber.

More on the gift:
Alberto hearing about Lance's new found love of a certain film series, changed the present and bought him a different watch. Strangely enough it turned up later on ebay:

Condition: New with tags: A brand-new, unused, and unworn item in the original packaging. Unwanted present. Unwanted because I'm Team Beefcake.

It does have engraving on it: "Dear Juan, Happy Retirement. You went to Paris last year and all you got was this watch. Cheers, Pistolero"

Bids start at $10,000 via chalkbot at www.livestrong.org/chalkbot

QOTD

"Describes himself as having crashed down to earth from being on a cloud, which hurt badly.Says he's learned a big lesson." Cyclesport Mag's reporting of Cav's comments

"Great to see cav win today. His emotional response was the real cav. The one we all love and respect." George Hincapie

"media gave him a lot of negative press the last 6 months, now (they'll) be blowing wind up him again (that's what) probably rubs Wiggo the wrong way...fairly hypocritical but that's the job." Robbie McEwen

WAGs bra strike

Forget cobbles and Holland's narrow roads, there's a far more dangerous peril out there for the peloton. WAGs on bra strikes (G also stands for groupies). How could they stay on their bikes after that? Gaining inspiration from new patron of the peloton, Fabian 'if he's not on BMC next year I will eat my vintage cycling cap' Cancellara, Chiara, patron of the WAGs, has initiated a regular bra strike:

"Just for girls: can I promote a 'bra free day'? I had enough of it! Men can't understand.."
"Ok girls, Bra Free Day has officially started! just make sure u don't go into air conditioned rooms or where it's too cold.....he he ;o)"

Cadel nearly fell off his bike, or, sent his missus an intimate message:

"@cadelofficial hey, aren't you supposed to race? don't get distracted mate!" Chiara tweeted back. Can you blame the man? He's a World Champion but he's still human.

And we know riders can get a bit lonely. Part homo erotic, part dante's cove, if you're not laughing by the time the saxophone cranks up in the background, you're not human:

That's bike racing

2010-07-08T12:20:00.001+10:00

It's hard to watch Lance on the cobbles and not get just a little bit excited. I had the same experience watching him race in the Tour of Flanders this year.

Stage 3 saw him riding in the gutter, tired, punctured and eventually alone. Here, he is more vulnerable; here, he is just Lance, the bike rider. No bullying, no Johan (only on the radio), no mind games, no solicitors and no formidable team. He powered over those cobbles and ensured the 1.51 deficit to Cadel blew out no further.

Seeing him ride like that, I can't help wonder what might have been had he focused on more than just the Tour each year and ridden more of the Classics. These thoughts were also recently pondered by Anthony Tan in a post for SBS Cycling Central who suggested he shouldn't have just focused on the Tour after his comeback.

He probably would've won a few. Imagine the exposure for the sport, the sport that runs from January to October every year. Imagine then too the potential for the deeper knowledge of these Classics and their history among Lance fans. And then also imagine the other potential knock on effect - up and coming cyclists wanting to hone more than climbing or time trial skills. Then, imagine the implications for the Tour - the ASO would build it, and they would come - sans whingeing.

Stuart O'Grady said recently Lance revolutionised what was possible in cycling and made the Tour his own. Others are anticipating the 'void' he will leave again when he retires, ahem, again.

But perhaps this is where the younger generation can make their own mark, by focusing less on July and returning to the more exciting era of all-round cyclists racing each other. (Or, even still focusing just as much on July but because future Tours will be organised similar to this year's, more Classics are added to the calendar).

This isn't such a stretch. Look at what the feathers Schleck and Contador did in Stage 3. Sure, Cancellara was pretty much giving Andy a dink but still. And even though he'd lost his brother Frank, his body language seemed to scream "I'm bloody loving this." And who wouldn't? Flanders and Roubaix champion driving you through the cobbles with the World Champion just nearby? It's what cycling dreams are made of.

And Contador. Experts the world over were predicting he'd either crash or lose so much time not even a well timed attack in the mountains could save him. I thought at worst he'd lose about three minutes max but not the amount everyone thought he would. As an awesome time trialer, it's not hard to believe his ability to drive himself back like he did after being caught up in Frank's crash. I also don't know why we all thought his bike handling skills would be so bad that he couldn't bunny hop when needed or stay alert and balanced. Hard to believe just one session with Pete van Petegem would produce that. It's instinctive.

Let's not forget Cadel's ride, as if we could. Big George and BMC moved him into position perfectly, and then he made his own luck. I don't know where Cadel will be on the podium this year, (I think somewhere on the podium is the only place he will be though) but one day Cadel will realise just how awesome a one day Classics rider he is and put more focus there in the years before he hangs up the black diadoras.

It seems they are already getting the message. They all rode Liege Bastogne Liege this year. Schleck rides this race regularly, Cadel rode it after winning Fleche Wallone. It's not cobbles but if you believe what some riders said after stage 2 - and I do - it is equally dangerous because of the narrow roads and tricky descents in a rainy region.

But what about Fleche Wallone this year? World Champion up against reigning Tour de France winner. World Champion triumphed. Like cycling duels of old. This is the shot in the arm cycling needs. Who wouldn't lap up more chances to see Tour GC rivals outside the Tour racing each other on all terrains.

Kloden and Jens had the hide to say we fans are sadists and want to see crashes. On the contrary, we want to see clashes. Not automatons controlled from the car by control freak DS's. At the Tour too, we want to see not just the best climber or the best time trialler, we want to see the best all-rounder. We want to see the GC shaken up, not by crashes but by teams being unable to totally dominate all external factors.

I can't help but think guys like Schleck, Cadel and Contador are filled with an awesome sense of cycling history and want to ride more and more Classics. So it's disappointing when 'some riders' as Phil Ligget said, and then said "I repeat, some riders" as well as DS's come out so hard against the ASO's choice of tour route for the first few days.

Wiggins too rode well on the cobbles. But it was his pre Tour words to Michael Barry that fills me with the most hope. “I forgot how much I love riding the cobbles. It is a fantastic feeling.” Actually, do yourself a favour and read the whole post. And tell any riders you might be in touch with to read it too.

Instead of whingeing about the ASO including these stages in a three week tour, maybe more riders should concentrate on all round skills. Or at least some of the basics. Like Cadel pointed out at the time, the Giro had crashes galore because of inexperienced cyclists. And as Phil Ligget pointed out, this Tour has 60 debutantes.

I'm also sick of the 'you don't know what it's like' line. No, I don't understand what it's like. But I listen to people who do - including current riders in the peloton. And they say some of the complaining riders are being a little bit precious.

I love Jens and I understand his emotion losing Schleck like that, especially what could be their last tour together. However, has everyone forgotten Jens' accident last year? He cheated death. It was on a descent. Noone, especially he, called for the exclusion of climbs where descents are required.

With crashes like these or other factors they are able to accept, cyclists say "that's bike racing."

So why can't this too be bike racing? It once was.

There is a place for cobbles in the Tour. And there's a place for GC Tour riders in the Classics.

-------------------------------
Tweeps who put it best this week:

Nicholas O'Donnell
"Who is to say that the only characteristics of a Tour de France winner should be just a climber or time triallist or any combination of the two? Why shouldn’t a powerful and smart bike handler who can also climb and time trial not be able to use all of their skills to win? And why is it that those people whose knowledge of the Tour only extends as far back as the Armstrong years think that the ideal race is a procession over 3,600km of hot mix and should be decided by the guy who climbs the last hill fastest? I don’t. And fortunately, I’m in the vast majority.

And @brassyn in 140 characters

"You know the course in advance, you choose whether to race. Accidents can happen on flats, on downhills, on corners. Anytime"

Stage One - Carbon-ara

2010-07-05T21:43:00.001+10:00

The 'sort of' Tour news round-up

- Mechanics are said to be still out on the course untangling the carbon-ara from yesterday's crash

- Many of the riders on twitter discuss what came first, crowds or the nerves? Crazy crowds, nerves, crazy crowds, nerves. They all bla...chose crowds. Stage 1 of the tour, let's go with nerves, always there causing havoc in the first few stages.

- HTC confirms Cav WAS in the briefing and was warned about the hairpin turn at the end. The team official said "but it's pointless trying to get him to listen while his head is stuck in all those historical books like the one about Agincourt. He's crazy for that stuff."

(ispaphoto.com)

"Read books Cav, history books...."

- After the crashes, many outlets, commentators and reporters seemed only concerned about non-Spanish speaking GC contenders. So how's Contador? "Oh, is English even his second language?"

- English fans - or English players - still drunk from the World Cup got dressed up in Team Sky kit and then somehow managed to find the HTC bus. They booed Cav and told him he was "sh*t". Cav may or may not have shoved their vuvuzelas where they aren't likely to blow anymore. R Downing was heard to have cheered Cav's move.

Bringing down cycling, one rider at a time - unleashed scandal mongrels continues to dog cycling

Millar - I only tried to reach out to him. I was just being nice. Why did he try to bring me down like that?

Basso - I told him, my dog's name is Tarello. But he didn't believe me and persisted with this unexpected attack.

The culprit:

This guy has also talked in an attempt to relieve his conscience. This short grab from an interview with Wall Street Journal:

WSJ - so why didn't you talk earlier
Brian - I was dazzled by the strippers tits and the blow. actually, i'm wasted now. (giggles)

Phil/Paul Bingo
(Paraphrasing I actually didn't make this up, from last night's coverage)

Paul - in the last few races we've seen Contador, Astana have been stronger than anyone's giving them credit for. I think they will be really strong here at the Tour. Phil?

Phil - (silence...moves on to next topic)

No surprises
- Mick Rogers' TDF campaign suffers a blow after Hansen, valuable towards the early climbs for Dodge as well as for Cav crashes out breaking his collarbone. Even worse for Hansen himself though. Awesome that he finished the stage, no surprises there too Croc Man.

- People downplayed Petacchi's win. Rather unfair because looking at the footage from the overhead view, it was an intelligent ride.

Surprises

There's a country called Moldova?

QOTD

"At home, my Mamma Gaudilla turns off the TV in the last kilometres and then turns it on again after the sprint. She's afraid like me." Pettachi

"Adam displayed amazing loyalty to the team today by finishing the race and working extremely hard towards the end," Stapleton.