Tuesday, June 4, 2013

That's So Couch - Noms de Plume Anonymous

Juan Pelota (JP):  Hi and welcome to today’s meeting of Noms de Plume Anonymous, I’m Juan Pelota. Let me start. I haven’t used a Nom de Plume since 2006...oh who am I kidding, 14 May 2013. With Festina Girl’s and Oprah’s help, I saw a future helping out others because of my past. So who’s first.

JV: I’m Jonathan Vaughters. David Millar dragged me here.  I don’t use a nom de plume.

JP: Yeah, but you may as well - you start shit on forums and twitter as yourself and there’s no consequence....they still love you...I mean look how this got missed by the screaming twitterarti – you outed Jens.....and...nothing.

Cobra Ricco:..who people think is god coz he talks cute but they don’t doubt even though he’s as old as Juan, East German, and still killing people like Stuart O’ Grady - nobody suspect. I’m sellin some old blood bags, who’s buying...not me with that shit.

Digger Forum: Yeah, fuck, imagine if I  tweeted that. I’d be the worst bone idle wanker in the world.

Nibali: JV doesn’t use a nom de plume? Who is Daniel Benson then?

JP: Robert Milllar.  OK next.

Di Luca: My name is Di Luca – I doped on the second floor. I just came to keep teamie Mauro Santambrogio company. I didn’t think I had a nom de plume until I’ve been sitting here listening, I think The Killer came out of me soon as I started the Giro.  

Santambrogio: everyone at BMC believe in me, call me Santa...

Nibali: He is Santa but The Shark  gave him the present *chuckles*

David Millar: That’s funny Nibbles. I love you. David Millar here – The Messiah is my nom de plume. Greipel, Kittel, anyone from IT4i and Lotto, Australian riders at Garmin, we all try to use it...but I’m the one who has written a book....I’m the only one who shivered in that cell...

Jamie Fuller: But I’m the Messiah

JP:  No, you’re just a very haughty corporate boy. Next.

Aaron Brown: Hi, I’m Aaron Brown. I’ve been nom de plume free since Bhon Mat - or however you spell his name - ran off with all of Kimmage’s money. 

JV: It wasn’t Ripp Finkleman?

Aaron Brown: No, Ripp Finkleman took Cycletard’s money and ran off with my wife

JP: Come on Aaron – you sure that’s how it went down chimera from another mother? The truth will set you free. I’d know.

AB: Yes. Being Uci Overlord was bad enough. I had to do actual work and look on as my wife ran our cafe. I confess,  I wrote  job applications with my nom de  plume. But I started to unravel after Velocast got the CCN gig  - BUT I PUT THEM ALL IN TOUCH WITH EACH OTHER....I WANTED TO BE NEAR GREG LEMOND. I USED TO RACE IN THE EIGHTIESSSSSS!!!!

JP: Next

Felix Lowe: Well, as Blazing Saddles, I wrote  a piece for Cyclismas I'm not entirely proud of, having a go at The Secret Pro. I knew it was hypocritical at the time..but I had a deadline. Freelancer’s gotta eat.

Paul Kimmage: Tell me about it....I’m a great fookin’ writer, and still couldn’t use me noggin well enough to not freak out about how I was going to eat and stuff. They’ve got me in a shitting caravan  for this year’s Tour, for fooks sake.

JP: Great to see you here Paul but other than cancer, I didn’t know you really had a nom de plume.

PK: I don’t, I teach writing and shit here at this community college on Wednesday nights, tonight I’m teaching on irony. I just came to the wrong room.

JP: Speaking of the Secret Pro Why isn’t the Secret Pro in here

JV – Isn’t he?

Michelle Cound: Hi, I’m Michelle Cound. Apologies for being late.

JP: Taint nothing.  why are you in here – do you have a nom de plume. Is it...Hottie?  (Aside, yo JV where’s that rufie?)

(Aside, JV: I don’t want to get throat cancer from romancing YOUR  stones. Oh you mean her...)

MC: Smooth Juan. No, I’m actually Froome Dog.

Wiggo: No you’re not, I am.

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