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Thursday, September 8, 2011

That's so couch - tennis, a David Lynch film and cycling

Who's not bangable in pro cycling

You've probably heard about this website by now. 

What The Hottitude? If male pro cycling was reported and talked about as much as women's cycling, then this website would be up there with this awful feature published by Bicycling Magazine. (the fact there's only five,shows you just how across the world of women's cycling Bicycling Magazine is)

Not to be outdone, Tourdecouch has thought about who you wouldn't want to have sex with in men's pro cycling (and women's pro cycling if they ever get around to announcing).

There's only one winner. The social media manager for greenedge. (yes, I'm not using any caps in their name).

Imagine it. 'In moments, I'm going to announce when I'm about to come.' 


You'd be having breakfast or out to dinner:  'Later today/tonight, you know I'm going to be announcing when I'm going to announce I'm going to come.”

Or how about when announcements are made about an announcement and then it doesnt happen. - premature edge-actulation. Or, it happens a week later? Or this - 'no, that orgasm that you thought was happening, didn't actually happen. Yeah, I was faking'

Apparently though, Nygaard's off to greenedge to sort this unbangableness out and he may have already as Gossy's announcement was an announcement without a pre announcement.

Know the name of any good gynaecologists?

From unbangable to fairly bangable, it's on to the tennis world now and Rafael Nadal (although there is a cycling connection).

Rafael Nadal was asked “so, you know the name of any good gynaecologists?'

Nadal's response:


(but it kinda looks like someone might have been under the table who also thought he was very bangable).

More tennis

There's no action at the US Open right now, so Tourdecouch brings you another tennis match.

15-0


15-15


Cycling fans everywhere will learn just how bad cancer is from the people who brought us cancer awareness, Capital Sports Entertainment. And they might pump out a few press releases about some bike racing by some guys from Luxembourg and Switzerland. Bruyneel will win another Tour.


30 – 15
Shit no, there will be nothing American about my expensive toy cycling set. Except for a couple of sponsors and some riders....

Then, everyone remembered these guys were still on the court. Oh Hai. Is anyone keeping score anymore? I find this more confusing and pretentious than Mulholland Drive. What the Laydioshack (@mmmaiko copyright) is going on.
Becca serves. Ace. We don't want anything to do with your toxic CSE marketingese. Fabianese will do us just fine. That shit sells itself.

And another ace to win the game.

UCI then for some reason also weighed in with a press release of their own, but nobody cares.

And just so we don't forget who's Boss Hogg, Johan serves up this and that's where we are now in the game. Johan wanted to wait until a bit later in the month so riders looking for jobs would have even less of a chance to get one. A great guy. 


Sugar Daddies

Expressing concern about this worrying trend of sugar daddies propping up and dropping cycling (which I don't get, aren't sponsors just another form of Sugar Daddy too?), Jane Aubrey from Cycling News asked greenedge's Papa Molasses about all the Leopardshennaningins.While he may currently lack a major sponsor, just like Becca was, if you look at this interview along with Becca's latest there seem to be some key differences. 


Becca wanted to have Sky's second year in Leopard Trek's first and doesn't really understand cycling, Ryan knows greenedge won't light the world on fire in it's first and has been involved with cycling for 20 years. greenedge's bus is a bit bigger than Leopard Trek's, and greenedge isn't named after a German Tank, nor is Leopard Trek..hang on...

How are some of the LT team reacting?

Andy has made up some excuse about needing the next ten months off for dentistry work. If Cav hadn't used this one before (remember, he had work done in the off season and he wasn't seen until July the next year?), we'd buy it but something else is up. His pony ate his homework? No, that's not it either. 


It's like this brilliant post pointed out, Johan's coming for him, and he's more scared than that time he broke away on a stage in the Tour this year and he couldn't see Frank for a few hours. Andy's envisaging something like this – being tied to his TT bike and white lunch bags containing cans of beetroot juice thrown at him. So Andy's in hiding. 

But Johan assures us he will be gentle with Andy. Johan's concerned he still has the Boss Hogg nickname and wants to start rebranding himself. He also said that Trek will design Andy the bike he asked them to last year  (but Nygaard said no). 

Tom Stamsnijder reacted by making this snazzy sales pitch video to sell off the team bus:



And Andy, Frank and Fabs get one more drive in before their cars are taken away.

Leopard Trek – a look back at its rich and true racing history



Remember how it all started:



Key memories in that video:
-Kim Andersen says he wanted to create a team around Andy, Frank and the Tour - at 1min 08secs
 - the heart warming hand holding and running up the hill  - at 1.21
-Andy asks "where will my pink streamers go?" - at 1.48

But there are still unanswered questions:

Will we see more of this next year? 
Did anyone actually buy this ?
How can Chris Horner expected to be not American?

2 comments:

  1. Premature edge-aculation... I'll pay that. Hysterical as always, Couch.. where would I be without you?

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  2. Day Birger et Mikkelsen dropped their sponsorship. Perhaps if we'd all been paying better attention, we might have noticed if this was the start of the downward slope. You know things are bad when the fashion sponsor withholds the free scarves. Or maybe we did laugh far too loudly?

    Was this secretly the Schlecks test-driving the new team vehicles: http://fuckyeahcycling.tumblr.com/post/8178209475/the-schlecks-in-eindhoven-driving-vandalism-and ?

    Andy's "untimely but imperative" dental woe turned out to be very timely indeed. He avoids the public and all the teammmates he's leaving without jobs. Coincidence, I think not!

    I won't lie, Rafa gradually sliding off under the desk makes me laugh. A lot.

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