Wednesday, March 2, 2011

That's So Couch - bad cow puns, underwhelming performances and press conferences

Team Leopard Trek (TLT) press conference:

Journalist Question (JQ) - other than the drinks, why are we here? 
TLT - we're pleased to be unveiling the smallest sponsor recognition ever

Enovos spokesperson "it is everything we thought and were told it was going to be. You can barely see it....where is it even on the shorts?  Wow, lucky Team Leopard Trek haven't even podiumed yet or other teams' sponsors would be dead jealous."

TLT - '...and we've still got loads of room left on the rest of the kit" (team spokesperson shakes his head in a "how do we do it" type way). 

JQ -So, the team's thoughts on Contador?

TLT - Not this question again. I refer to my previous answers - you know by tattling on your friends, you're really just tattling on yourself. By tattling on your friends, you're just telling them that you're a tattletale. Now is that the tale you want to tell?

JQ - But what about results - a couple of media outlets have been writing some pretty good pieces asking - where you guys been e.g. Cycling Central, Boulder Report, Cycling News.

TLT: Alone, we can only move buckets. But if we work together, we can drain rivers.

JQ - what? 

TLT - OK - Well, I can reveal the guys have had a team meeting  Frank had a couple of ideas about maybe he or some of the others could probably win something before April and July, know..then Andy said HE or Fabian probably could - it's hard on Frank, he's been battling with some demons, you know, as to his role on the team - Marcia-Andy-Fabian-Marcia - that sort of thing. 

JQ: So, what's next for Leopard? A great performance at Paris-Nice?

TLT - Maybe. But we'll be holding a press conference on how Andy brushes his hair  and revealing the zany results after Fabu gets hit by a football 

The tape recorder of self righteousness -Kimmage is back

Kimmage humbly asked Zomegnan -who just finished explaining how many tests the Giro conducted last year (which in oz is about $700 per urine test,$1000ish for blood too) why the hell does he allow people like Basso and Vino back in this event and why is Zomegnan sitting there in front of images of these guys and pretending like the sport's moved on.  I had filing to do so couldn't hang around for the answer but I just bet Zomegnan bleated something back that was cancerous to the sport. 

Here's some questions we probably won't be hearing from the investigative journalist:

To ASOPROVAC - I'll make it easier for you, how can u claim the pack is drug free when there's so little testing? 0.25% of the bloody cow population? I mean, for f*k's sake, this is people's food we're talking about, not some bloody bike race.

I just can't believe you when you say you didn't dope just because you never failed a doping control -answer 

Pendleton is not hungry (AKA, first round in Tourdecouch's Australian London 2012 track trash talk)

Recent reports suggest Pendleton's lost her appetite.  Any wonder

Tweet of the week (and matching picture) via @brassyn 

"A disappointed Andre cares not for a donkey in the face." 

Love song and dedication to Alberto - pistolero vaca   (AKA Cow Tse Tung)

Check out the lyrics, how was the song not written for this man.

1 comment:

  1. I squinted really hard at the Leppard press conference pictures and I still couldn't make out the logo. I refuse to download a copy and zoom in just to check it says Enovos somewhere.

    I hope Andy's hair is never brushed properly and is always like a hedgehog. Always. Though actually both he and Frank suffer from a condition that affects a great portion of the peloton: hair gel abuse. It's a tragic ailment and prevents the person affected from being able to detect when enough product has already been applied. Bless their poorly-coiffed souls.

    On a serious note (though my wish for Andy's hair is genuine), I am mellowing towards the Leppards. Even with the inevitable "Fabian has won something so we're ok" press that will come, I find their follies quite enjoyable and not just in a mean way (I know, right?!).