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Friday, April 30, 2010

That's So Couch - The three Rs

After Vino's love affair with the lost art of letter writing this week, Tourdecouch pondered what else has been lost and refound again in the peloton?

Reading

Technically, unsure if he reads like books and stuff, but I'm sure he does - Mark Cavendish sure gives us cycling fans something to enjoy reading everytime he opens his mouth and that's how he makes it here.  It also brings us to the: 

Spot the Difference section

British as bollocks, spot the difference between these two:

Cavendish and Winston Churchill

 - Both have written books



 - Both said to have a lisp

 - mental health issues - read Paul Kimmage article again, I am worried.  Churchill also famous for the black dog phrase.

 - Quotable quotes:

Mark: “Lance [Armstrong] is the biggest name in the sport now, but I’m the second biggest."
Winston: "History will be kind to me for I intend to write it."

 - Victory Salutes - oops Winston, got it the wrong way




(getty)

wRiting

Lance wrote four letters of his own this week:



Mr Eddy Merx Merck Mercks Cannibal
Belgium, Europe

Dear Mr Cannibal

All promotional photo sessions with Pistolero must be cleared through me.

May I remind you, there’s no I in Mercx Mer …Mercks… your last name….

Remember, your son works for me. But for how much longer? Only you can answer that question

Regards
7x Tour winner, 5 x Father

-----------------------------

Mr Chris Horner
Nearest McDonalds
Never really lives outside of America

Mr Horner

It has come to our attention that you are not eating team issue Honey Stinger snacks.

Johan’s already said you’re on thin ice and not likely to make it on the Tour team again this year. So, wouldn’t you want to do everything you could to make it? And yes, it is because you and Machado are doing better than me. There is I in Radioshack.

Should you continue to breach this part of your contract, your punishment will be wearing Johan’s line of clothes at all functions even though we’ll all be in the shack gear – don’t tell him, but I think they look like shit, I use the t shirts he gave me so Jose can wash my car  I think he also said something about chinos soon….he loves the chinos.  I also couldn’t get him away from the Radioshack jersey design either.

But seriously dude, I’ll have five kids to support soon. It’s not all about cancer.


-------

Mr Graham Watson
Back of bike/in a pub or pizza place somewhere
Europe, The World

Dear Mr Watson

I was taking a peruse of your Twitter page recently and found this:

“There's some wonderful images of Contador and teamates on April 27th ‘the TDF cobbled stage 3 - see www.cyclingnews.com Wish I could have been there! “

This is in breach of your Mellow Johnnys contract which states that you must not tweet positively about Contador or his ‘team’ mates. And what about that link to cyclingnews.com – you know it’s velonews all the way baby.   You'd been doing so well all year.  Wha' happened?

You have been warned.

-----
 
Dear Cleatus the foetus (I love that joke)

Sorry about your other new nickname Cinco. I think we got the idea off the Beckhams....(but I’m not so sure it WAS there)…but it’s still better than Spain (too close to Alberto), Europe (whatever), King Yoga, Pinewood Derby, Kona, Private Jet. I wanted to call you Trek, SRAM, Nissan, mellowjohnnyjr, Adelaide or Leadville but Twitter said that would breach their new advertising rules. I am a brand after all and this would be blatant they said. But more fool them, Cinco is sublim subl unconscious advertising for any Governor campaign I may want to do sometime.
-------

Cadel too puts pen to paper:

Cadel’s diary – March 26th 2010

Thomas sure is spending a lot of time in the bathroom. I want him to come out again and play some more Michael Jackson, I’m scared out here alone with just my thoughts.

‘You can’t win the Tour’ ‘
Shut Up! Shut up.’.

Anyway, where was I? When I knocked on the door, he got all offended like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman when Richard Gere busts in on her in the bathroom, so I didn’t open the door or push it any further because I didn’t want to embarrass him about flossing. I wouldn’t want him to think I think he’s taking drugs. And well, you shouldn’t neglect your gums…ask Cav. Thomas sure drinks a lot of water too.

aRrithmetic
 
(H20 (1 litre) + microdose EPO) + ½ hour = still riding

Surprise testing:

(H20 (1 litre) + microdose EPO) + ½ hour coffee and chat with UCI tester = pass TDF 09 testing


 

2 comments:

  1. Hilarious post, you're blogging is getting better & better!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hysterical. I keep telling you about your writing skills..the world awaits. BTW most of this went over my head, but it was still hysterical. And what is the cloetus the foetus joke anyway?

    ReplyDelete